Blog entry for:

hence, its existence is my very lifeline.
i realize that this reading is about service and how my actions as part of service to the fellowship can be either constructive or destructive to very thing that has given me this new life. i understand that and will have to have a conversation with one of my new guys tonight about the sixth tradition and how we do things in this fellowship. i am not looking forward to that little piece of conversation, but that is in the future so right now i will focus on something a whole lot more personal and relevant to me today.
i am writing this, basking in the afterglow of my twice postponed fifth step and letting what my sponsor shared with me last night percolate through my way too active mind. something he suggested is that i apply on of my physical values to my emotional state. it is a value of mine that when i say i am going to be somewhere i am there on time and ready to roll. where i acquired this nearly obsessive need to be punctual is irrelevant. however, i find that i am always late to recognize my feelings and several events in the course of my recovery. a case in point, it was almost six months after the obsession to use was lifted from me that i realized that it was gone and had been for quite some time. what triggered that revelation was another member asked me if i still had the obsession to use. i pondered that question for a few minutes and honestly answered them that it was gone. that question set off a chain reaction in my mind that went back through my musty memory banks and i uncovered when the exact moment when the obsession had been lifted and was truly amazed that i had totally missed it, the event not the obsession! so what i was asked to start to do is try to be on time for my feelings -- in other words be present. after all a feeling is only a feeling in the here and now, if i uncover that feeling twenty minutes from now it is a memory and not a feeling.
when he first suggested this course of action, i was puzzled and confused. today as i have had a bit of time to think and let things settle, i see that being on time for my feelings i as important as being on time for a meeting with a sponsee. i am disrespecting myself when i choose to let feelings slip past unnoticed and only realize that i have been anxious or whatever, twenty minutes after the fact. so how am i feeling right now, a bit overwhelmed by work and getting ready to purchase my dream house. i am feeling a bit anxious about the size and nature of the commitment i am embarking upon. and stressed because of those two feelings working me over. i can now surrender to my feelings, do the next right thing and let the day happen as it will. because i feel, i know that i am human and i can let go and let the care of my HIGHER POWER take care of me. after all isn’t this what it is all about?

∞ DT ∞