Blog entry for:

yes the reading was about service to the fellowship, i get that, but what i heard this morning was boiled down to the line i chose to title this entry. i have come to understand that i am not tested by the POWER that fuels my recovery, but what i have learned over the past four days, makes me doubt that belief, this morning. i am afraid i will fail this test and what i know will become common knowledge, because i am disturbed by it. i could not sleep in a restful state last night, and it might have been the caffeine and the ice cream, it might have been what i learned over the weekend, or it just might have been, the act of skimping on my 10th and 11th steps last night. whatever the cause, i am certain that i will need to be vigilant about what is going on around me, and gauge my emotional state before i open my mouth. even more so than usual, as i feel like this could be an interesting, in the Chinese sense, sort of day.
what is my greatest fear, as i finally decide to dive in and stop tiptoeing around the issue? that i will not be able to handle becoming the person i have always wanted to be. my quick reversion to vengeance, last week and my emergency trip to my sponse, are indicators that maybe, the time has come to let go of that fear and walk with a bit of FAITH into the recovery process as it is unfolding in the here and now. i really hate the whole concept of discovering who i am. not the process and of itself, but the connotations that i am looking at something that is not known. the fact is, i know or knew at one time who i was, active addiction buried that knowledge in a haze of mind-numbing experience, and recovery helps me uncover who i am, and more importantly who i may want to be. it is awfully hard to discover something that i already know. it is there, that FEAR takes me. if i was all that whole and real before i started using, why did i use in the first place and why would i have used for so long? the lies i tell myself to keep myself sick, is certainly a wonderful tool, to prevent me from getting any better. the truth is, i was not whole when i first picked up, addiction had already been manifest in my life and was waiting for that first moment of escapeful bliss, to kick into full gear. the material for my FOURTH STEP, is coming from those early days and the resentments, the events, my behavior and most importantly what i became, in those first days of active addiction. i, however have very little desire to revisit all those feelings,or relive that time in my life, which is an indication, that bis exactly where i need to go, as painful as it may be.
theories aside, there is only one thing that counts in a program of active recovery, and that is what i am willing to do today. with that in mind, i am willing to watch my step, be present, clean-up the rest of the pile of work on my desktop and be a better man than i was yesterday. everything else, will be up to the POWER that fuels my recovery, so, oh yeah, i need to be present for what is going on. not to daunting of a task list today, and one i think i will get moving on.

∞ DT ∞