Blog entry for:

i really am, is a task that has been fast-forwarded over the past year or so. the revelations of my FOURTH STEP and the insight provide to me by my sponse, during my FIFTH, got me to a point where i could live outside the shame i took on, for being “different” and stop living in the lie i created. when my sponse told me he could still feel the emotion of that slice of time, in my voice and body language as i related what happened and how it affected me, i felt a sudden release of emotion that had been bottled-up for decades. i had done a pretty good job of freezing that shame and keep it buried for so long, that i had come to believe i was “over” it, when all i was, was in denial. what made the whole thing worse was the flippant way others spoke of that event and the feelings of humiliation and self-hate i felt when they did so. today, i understand that they were clueless then and still are just as clueless today, so it is my job to forgive them and move on, which i am doing my best to do.
it is interesting living a life that does not require approval from anyone else, but i have to say, i still get stoked when almost anyone gives me a bit of approval. living in a world where i accept myself for who i am and understand that the past, while integral fro creating the person i have become, is just that, the past and something to use and let go of. one of the biggest internal changes for me anyhow, is my desire to let go of judgement and let others be who they choose to be, even if it is killing them. i do not have all the answers for myself, so i certainly cannot provide them for someone else, but one thing is for certain, when i thank someone for doing something for me, it is not as they run out the door, as a seemingly last gasp. i spontaneously express my gratitude and i mean it, i am not just saying it because of social convention.
i am okay today, because those who have walked this path of recovery, freely and gratefully give me the answers they have sought and uncovered in their journeys. it is because of their loving care and not in spite of it, that i can sit here today and be freed from what happened way back when. so it is time to get off my a$$ and get some more stuff accomplished today. as busy as i may have been, there is still a bit more for me to do. and maybe taking a nap is part of that plan, 😜 😴!

∞ DT ∞