Blog entry for:

to be myself, the person POWER that fuels my recovery intended me to be.
okay, that last statement had the tendency to make me nervous, rattle my cage as it were, as it comes very close to the whole predestination and GOD's plan paradigm, which i choose to find as not part of my spiritual path. the notion. that i was meant to be this or that, does disturb me from time to time, and yet when i get into STEP ELEVEN, i can see that who i was, was not who i could have been, had i decided to stop using after that very first one, all those years ago. using a seed that seems to imply, that all of my life, has been run from afar, like some puppet on a puppet-master's string seems to fly in the face of the whole free will, and choose my own path traditions of some religious paths. today however, is not a day to look at the inconsistencies of another spiritual path, rather to reconcile those in my own PERSONAL spiritual path, that is my right and my responsibility as a member of the fellowship that has given me this new way of living.
as i work through the steps, and each time i cycle through another set of twelve, i am amazed about what it is i find out about myself. this time through, i am coming to terms with the fact that yes i am cynical and yes it is alright to be cynical and be recovery. i have always been able to spot the inconsistencies in others, and now i can see them in myself. a line from Popeye, rings in my head right now, “i am what i am!”
and i am. becoming genuine and self-aware is not an easy journey for someone like me. when i first proposed those two words to be a part of the vision of the man i wanted to become, i though i was being glib and taking the easy way out. in fact, my sponse started to say something and changed his mind, in that instant. as i move forward, i can see that perhaps those words were not the cop-out, i originally intended them to be, and i see myself becoming a whole lot more as a result. at the time, for me, it was not much different than telling the judge i was a victim of addiction and throwing myself at the mercy of the court, and yet that action as well, has had consequences far beyond what i originally envisioned as my life. the choice i have made, since uttering those words in court and to my sponsor, have led me to where i am today, struggling to reconcile my superstitious self with my rational self, and failing miserably. what it appears to come down to, is the whole yin-yang model and that the whole of me, is made of a balance of superstition and rationality, and i need not favor one over the other, as it will be their natural tendency to balance themselves out. which of course is who i was meant to be, my own true self, the man who can accept that as a human and as an addict in recovery, there is more to me than meets the eye and it is up to me, to allow that to be revealed, in its own time.
so it is off to work i go, for a day of angular fun in the sun. i am well and with this little exercise in mind, i can and will be more of the man i have always wanted to be, which coincides with the path that the POWER that fuels my recovery is leading me down.

∞ DT ∞