Blog entry for:

addiction determined my personality, even after getting clean:
O, what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive!: Walter Scott
take two! so i guess everything i did, whilst writing this exercise this morning, committed my thoughts to the bit bucket. so it goes.
returning to reality, and that i am, after that very long trip down memory lane, brings me to a distillation of what i was thinking, rather than yet another retelling of who i was and what i am becoming. the facts of the matter are, that this addict did his level best to be better, smarter, richer and more interesting than everyone else in the room, regardless of the lies i had to tell, the stories i had to abridge or the facts i had to pull out of thin air. this behavior started way before i ever used for the first time, so i am quite certain today, it was a symptom of addiction. further proof is that it persisted through the seven months of fronting that i was in recovery and the thirteen months of being clean and sober; and the five months of self-sponsorship. landing in s single fellowship and finally accepting myself as a whole being, instead of the various bits and pieces that i could compartmentalize, was the beginning of this journey to becoming whole and genuine, that i still ongoing today. the simple truth is, that the only fool i was fooling was myself and the fantasy world i had created was at best a puff of smoke and only sustained by using this or that to prove that it just might be real. my fix in this situation was the respect, admiration and awe of those who happened to cross my path. i thought of my self as SUPREME and far above the run of the mill, ordinary people, who populated my life. yes, one might say i can be arrogant, conceited and certainly delusional, and drugs helped me stay in that exact spot for quite some time.
recovery was not the great leveler i thought it might be, at least not at first. my very technical working of the 12 steps in another fellowship, did very little to show me what i needed to change and as my life was so much fVcking better, i was in agreement, i was good the way i was, maybe a bit less SUPREME, but in my mind's eye, nothing needed to change and i would have eventually talked myself into using again, after all, i had a bit of clean time, i had worked the steps and the desire to use was long gone. that night in New Jersey, dispelled any illusions i may have had, about the nature of addiction and its effect on me. i wanted to use so badly that night, with every fiber of my being and only the dire consequence that would await upon my return, kept me clean. one night earlier? well that would have been quite a different story and who knows where i would be today. no fake news here today, or alternative facts, that little episode was what this addict needed to begin his journey into becoming a part of his own life.
am i 100% genuine and whole today? well depending on what i want to believe, i am either 100%, mostly or none at all.that gamut of answers, is a reflection of the tangled web i choose to believe. the actual truth is more than likely closer to mostly that any of the other choices, although i can be in any of those states at any given moment. addiction still takes a toll on me, but i no longer allow myself to be victimized over what i have no power over. i could puke, moan and lament the nature of the world, or i can just surrender and accept that yes, i am human and an addict. as a result, i will probably never see reality exactly as it is, especially when it comes to me. so i think i will sign-off on that note, make sure i take precautions for having to do this again and see if i can get a few thing accomplished in the here and now, it is after all, a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞