Blog entry for:

i uncover my assets and my defects, the things i like about myself and the things i am not so thrilled about. well good morning to you too! this is one of those readings, that smacked me right between the eyes this morning, and honestly i am clueless as to why it would do so.
as i start to explore the feelings that were evoked upon pondering this entry, what i am first struck with, is the line that my personality was shaped by the needs of my active addiction. someday i have no trouble buying into that, but upon a bit of further insight, most of the behaviors that allowed me to get what i needed to FEED my active addiction were in place a long time before i ever used. i was a emotional chameleon before that first get high, and that repertoire of behaviors were only fine-tuned across the years of my using. there are two ways to reconcile that fact -- either i was an addict before i ever used drugs, and hence doomed to a life of uncontrolled drug use, from the day i first picked up, or there is no such thing as addiction and i was who i was, and recovery is an unnatural attempt to return me to a state i never was in. while both of those ideas could be valid, or even the TRUTH, they cannot both be true. they are mutually exclusive as presented, although a bit of rationalization and justification could reconcile them into something else. so how do i cut through the bullsh!t? i choose the former, that i was an addict long before i ever picked up. the need to fit in, the inability to do so, and the learning of how to blend into a crowd by being whoever i needed to be, are all signs that this is most likely the closest to the mark. so if i am a born addict, the TWELVE STEPS are not restorative, but are actually changing me into something i was not, and as a result, this path is leading to a person who has never existed.
and you know what? that is a comforting thought. i was always a bit uneasy about being **restored** as i could not remember a time in my life when the feelings of being different, of wanting to escape, of fantasizing about a new and different life were not present. that is until recently, and i use that term very loosely, recently in relation to my entire span of life on this world. i have only started to see the man i wish to be, and actually believe that man is being manifest by the changes the process of recovery has put in place. so when i say recently i am thinking over the past three years as opposed to the fifty-two i have been upon this mortal coil. continuing down that road, for me, the process of the Twelve Steps is one of creation rather than repair, and understanding that gives me some insight into why it is so imperative for me to continue. after all, this is the first time in my entire life, where i have some clues about who and what i am, and for the first time, i am comfortable with that knowledge, warts and all. so anyhow off to hit the streets and to see if i can burn off a bit of nervous energy -- after all, wherever this process is taking me, i think i will just hang on and enjoy the ride.

∞ DT ∞