« i had become a survival machine, »
Posted: Tue, May 28, 2013 07:32:02 AM
adapting easily to every circumstance of the using life. and now for something completely different! personality change! yes, a couple of exclamation points were necessary as the emphasis here is on my personality and how it needs to be changed. the problem is, that decades of being a social chameleon makes that a difficult process, as i am clueless about the direction that change needs to go in. of course, if i choose to, i can take one line out of the reading way out of context and say i need not change for after all, “if our Higher Power created us this way, it must be okay…”
a quick stroke of the pen and voilà, nothing to see here, move along.
well there is plenty to see here, if i am trying so hard to resist the changes, especially looking for and finding a tract or two to justify who i am, such as how in was made, then there is not only smoke but plenty of fire. it is not much of a stretch for me to conclude, that since i was made that way, then all that i did in active addiction was meant to happen, all the traits i picked up to feed the addict within were given to me by God, so i could survive. so why on Earth, does anything need to change, is that not living in self-will?
ironically, the only reason i hear this interior rebuttal to my recovery process today, is because more than once over the past few weeks i have heard others voice it and not nearly as logically, rationally or confidently. i took an idea i heard and polished it into quite a reservation, for that is what it is, a place i reserve in my program so i can use. our literature also says that personality change is what is needed IF i am to have any hope of becoming more than just another addict. there are days i wonder if that journey is worth it. then i see addicts locked up for years, for crimes they committed that were against their moral values, or even worse because they rebel against authority and believe that the constraints that they are given DO NOT apply to them. and man do they twist to justify and rationalize their untenable and unsupportable belief systems, just the way i still do, when i want to fall back into my default behavior mode. that mode? i am entitled to all the gifts that a life in active recovery can furnish BUT i do not have to do any of the work, nor do i need to change anything about me, i am just as GOD made me, hence to do so would be thwarting God's plan.
so i guess since i have come around to the same point twice, it is time to move forward into recovery. one of the symptoms of the addict speaking is circular reasoning. to break that cycle, i have to step out of the loop. in reality, i will not get paid if i do not go to work. i will not get my wind and health back, if i keep doing unhealthy things. if i want to be thinner and more fit, then i have to eat better and exercise more. most importantly IF i want to become the man i have always dreamt of being then i NEED to let go of the notion that recovery is not paying off and all the work i have done is enough to sustain me into that vision. the truth is, the work for does not stop, the life i enjoy today is not something that i am entitled to, it is something i have earned and need to continue to earn, just for today.
so it is off to the shower and into another day of work. after all, if i want a paycheck next week, i need to put in the hours today.
a quick stroke of the pen and voilà, nothing to see here, move along.
well there is plenty to see here, if i am trying so hard to resist the changes, especially looking for and finding a tract or two to justify who i am, such as how in was made, then there is not only smoke but plenty of fire. it is not much of a stretch for me to conclude, that since i was made that way, then all that i did in active addiction was meant to happen, all the traits i picked up to feed the addict within were given to me by God, so i could survive. so why on Earth, does anything need to change, is that not living in self-will?
ironically, the only reason i hear this interior rebuttal to my recovery process today, is because more than once over the past few weeks i have heard others voice it and not nearly as logically, rationally or confidently. i took an idea i heard and polished it into quite a reservation, for that is what it is, a place i reserve in my program so i can use. our literature also says that personality change is what is needed IF i am to have any hope of becoming more than just another addict. there are days i wonder if that journey is worth it. then i see addicts locked up for years, for crimes they committed that were against their moral values, or even worse because they rebel against authority and believe that the constraints that they are given DO NOT apply to them. and man do they twist to justify and rationalize their untenable and unsupportable belief systems, just the way i still do, when i want to fall back into my default behavior mode. that mode? i am entitled to all the gifts that a life in active recovery can furnish BUT i do not have to do any of the work, nor do i need to change anything about me, i am just as GOD made me, hence to do so would be thwarting God's plan.
so i guess since i have come around to the same point twice, it is time to move forward into recovery. one of the symptoms of the addict speaking is circular reasoning. to break that cycle, i have to step out of the loop. in reality, i will not get paid if i do not go to work. i will not get my wind and health back, if i keep doing unhealthy things. if i want to be thinner and more fit, then i have to eat better and exercise more. most importantly IF i want to become the man i have always dreamt of being then i NEED to let go of the notion that recovery is not paying off and all the work i have done is enough to sustain me into that vision. the truth is, the work for does not stop, the life i enjoy today is not something that i am entitled to, it is something i have earned and need to continue to earn, just for today.
so it is off to the shower and into another day of work. after all, if i want a paycheck next week, i need to put in the hours today.
∞ DT ∞