Blog entry for:

try to be myself, certainly a great start on the road to truly being humble.
this is one of those readings that inspires me to a bit more than the yippy-skippy, Kum-By-Yah message that was in the reading. often, when i come across reading such as this one, my laser-like focus goes to what i see is the root of all evil and i miss the rest of the message that may be contained within the reading. in this case, one of the platitudes that really irks me when used by my peers in recovery and by the world in general is “GOD made me this way, and my GOD does not make mistakes.” what i hear when =that is presented to me, is that well i may not be perfect and i may not be able to accept that fact BUT this is how i was made so this must be the way it SHOULD be. instead of acceptance, i hear resignation and settling for less than what is available. being one who settled for life in active addiction and was resigned to the fact that i would use until my last dying day, i find that for acceptance means a bit more than, relying on a cliché or slogan to assuage my disappointment with who i am. i do not practice “bumper-sticker” recovery and the depth of my journey to uncover who i am goes far beyond just looking good, even though in world looking good is the paramount of all ideals.
i often share about that character trait, be it a defect or and asset that has yet to be realized, because for me, many of my actions and how i carry myself arise from my NEED to look good. i could whine about about and wail to the POWER that fuels my recovery, that i am so FREAKING ready to have this trait removed, but in reality, that would be just for show as well. yes i would like to have something else driving my recovery engine and i am ready to be secure in who i am, just as i am now. the sad fact of life is, at least for me, showing up and saying the magic incantations that i was taught way back when is my default behavior. i can CHOOSE to be the font of all recovery slogans and say those very comforting words that diminish my responsibility and provide me the means to live a “shady” lifestyle or i can admit that i have only a few of the answers and many of those may not be correct.
whether ore not that is the way GOD made me, i am on a journey to become the best human being that i can be. recovery is the vehicle of that journey and i am grateful that i may not see the destination, but i can see the next road-sign. i often wonder, if by some fluke, i end up being the absolute best that i can, what will i do next? as silly as that sounds, and trust me i almost deleted that last phrase, you know “looking good,” will i still stick around for my peers in recovery? good thing that is a rhetorical question and not an event that will happen soon, because i can already feel that question turning over and over again in my head as me and the dawg take our walk this morning. it is a great day to be clean, and as this day goes on, a better one to accept that the path i am on, is more than whining about what i am not and settling for what i am, just for today.

∞ DT ∞