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at the start of that journey, i could not be myself because i did not know who i was. the Twelve Steps gives me a simple method for finding out who i really am and who i want to become.
okay i am writing this under duress this morning, i am really supposed to be out exercising with the dawg, however my electronic accouterments are not ready due to my operator error yesterday, so i have the chance, and the time to write before i walk.
who am i? when i was using this question was not one i ever asked, i simply was whoever i needed to be at that particular moment, uncaring about anything but getting what i happened to after.
in early recovery, this question was also one i ignored, even though i lost the tools for suppressing it, i worked hard at blending in, like always and when i this question popped up there was always something that i could distract myself with, to prevent me from having to face the answers that had not yet been provided to me.
well those days have passed, and as i work the steps, i am no longer comfortable side-stepping or suppressing this question. the first and most obvious response is that i am a male, over fifty, recovering addict. if i stick just to the physical facts that is accurate and complete. i can stop there and move along, as i bury my head in the sand and pretend there is nothing more to me. the steps however, prevent that from happening, and as i know that working the steps is my choice, and o choice that i gratefully make, the experience of diving deeper and learning more is ongoing and sometimes quite exciting. i say sometimes, because those same steps, bring to my attention some things that i judge to be unacceptable in me. here is where the trouble begins, as the part of me i call the disease of addiction can run with that and before i know it i am some sort of evil monster poisoning the world with the venom i spew, or at least is what that part of me wants me to think.
once again, the STEPS come to my rescue. here i find the tools to put everything into perspective, here i find my palate of grays that demonstrate who i really am, neither a demon nor a saint. here is where i get to find the humility necessary to continue my ongoing journey into becoming the person i have always wanted to be.
who am i, really? just another addict in recovery working to be better day by day and just for today, i can be who i am, or at least do my best to be that man.

∞ DT ∞