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this is a head scratcher for me, as WTF does this title have to do with humility and being the person i have always wanted to be. every now and again i get locked into circular logic and last year, i whined about the line, “who my HIGHER POWER intended me to be,” as being all about predestination and all. i am still more than a bit resistant to that notion, predestination that is. on this side of STEP 11, however i see that my “true” will for me, is to become the person i have always wanted to be. whether that is the predestination or just growth, i really do not care these days. i know today that i am okay, just the way i am, right here and right now. whether or not i was set upon this path by am “invisible hand,” really does not matter, at least just for today.
which brings me to another troubling concept in this reading, the notion that IF GOD created me this way, i must be okay. i find that a bit disturbing on several levels. why i cannot be okay, if i am just a result of a random combination of genetic material that occurred in the instant the spark of life filled the zygote, that was created within the womb of my Mother? why do i need to seek permission from a HIGHER POWER to be okay with how i am made today? why do i need that sort of validation? before i get rolling down a path that feels as if i am dissing religion and various other paths to spirituality, let me say this, i believe that every one of us has a right, divine or mundane, to seek whatever spiritual path that fits us the best. for me, the word GOD means, the POWER that fuels my recovery. whether or not there is a creative intelligence, as part of that POWER is not relevant to me. i know that POWER provides me everything i need to stay clean today and to thrive in this new manner of living. as one can see, the path i am upon may seem to be at odds with the one that the majority of my peers are upon. i would venture to say not at odds, just very different and in that difference, i need to redefine my vision in a way that they can understand where i am going and how i see the world beyond the mundane.
which brings me back to the point why do i need to seek any sort of outside validation to be okay with the way i am constructed? Lady Gaga was born that way, and i was born this way, and quite honestly when i think about i have been billions of years in the making, with my essential parts being brought forth in the Big Bang, that kicked this whole process off. the components that have been arranged into me, are the result of processes that are beyond my ken and whether it was divine intervention or random chance, they are what i am today. i know for some, that feels like a cold and sterile view of how we can to be. for me, however,. i celebrate that out of all the uncountable outcomes, that i have arrived here, just as i am today, physically, spiritually and emotionally. there does not need to be a creative intelligence, even though there certainly might be, or a plan beyond my understanding. i celebrate the improbability of my existence, instead of seek an explanation.
the long way around to where i was going, but sometimes, i need to write all of that to see where i was going. ,my destination seems to always have been, humility , for me anyhow, means i am okay, exactly as i am in this moment. i have elements of being a spiritual guru and being and a$$hole. i can be enlightened and ignorantly dense and obtuse. i can be caring and apathetic, optimistic and cynical, and i can be any or all of these things in any given slice of time. all of those are me and i am all of those, and today, i am more than just a collection of all my traits, defects and assets. in a sense i am greater than the sum of all my parts, that all of them contribute more than i can enumerate. today, i really am okay, being all of that that and so much more.

∞ DT ∞