δ as a using addict, the demands of my disease determined my personality δ
Posted: Mon, May 28, 2007 01:00:39 PM
once i began my recovery, i entered a new and different life. i could not be myself because i did not know who i was anymore.
so this is the third time i have started to write this today, and perhaps i will get it off and into cyberspace.
what i thought about first off what too early this morning was the personality transformation that has occurred over the course of my recovery. in fact that change is continuing to this day, so it would be quite easy just to give up on knowing who i am, and how to behave because i may change tomorrow, or even lated today as i go through the rest of the afternoon.
what i thought i was going to write about about an hour ago what a chameleon i was in my active addiction, and that in early recovery the ability to shift my personality was still very active in my life.
neither of those line of thought are what i am thinking about right now. here i am thinking about a sort of synthesis of those two. yes i changed my behavior to fit in, and in fact i am still apt to do so when i am under a bit of stress, and yes i have been transformed into a person that i would not recognize if i had bumped into him ten years ago. the truth is that i do have a better understanding of who that person is today, and each trip through the steps reveals more of who i will become, and for those of you who are interested it is not some sort of saint or guru. so i am grateful for the changes wrought in my life, i am grateful fro the tools that i have been given that allows me to process those changes and integrate them into my picture of myself. and most of all i am grateful that i no longer need to be anyone else but me. even though some days i have no idea who that is!
so this is the third time i have started to write this today, and perhaps i will get it off and into cyberspace.
what i thought about first off what too early this morning was the personality transformation that has occurred over the course of my recovery. in fact that change is continuing to this day, so it would be quite easy just to give up on knowing who i am, and how to behave because i may change tomorrow, or even lated today as i go through the rest of the afternoon.
what i thought i was going to write about about an hour ago what a chameleon i was in my active addiction, and that in early recovery the ability to shift my personality was still very active in my life.
neither of those line of thought are what i am thinking about right now. here i am thinking about a sort of synthesis of those two. yes i changed my behavior to fit in, and in fact i am still apt to do so when i am under a bit of stress, and yes i have been transformed into a person that i would not recognize if i had bumped into him ten years ago. the truth is that i do have a better understanding of who that person is today, and each trip through the steps reveals more of who i will become, and for those of you who are interested it is not some sort of saint or guru. so i am grateful for the changes wrought in my life, i am grateful fro the tools that i have been given that allows me to process those changes and integrate them into my picture of myself. and most of all i am grateful that i no longer need to be anyone else but me. even though some days i have no idea who that is!
∞ DT ∞