Some memes

deep compassion for the still-suffering addict. one thing i can certainly say, is that when i was fronting my clean time or merely abstinent, not a single member of the fellowship told me to go away. no matter how abusive, snide, cynical and angry i may have been, i was never greeted with anything other than compassion and love, as i was, the still suffering addict. my suffering may have appeared to be less severe than many of those who came to the rooms at the same time and was certainly less evident by any external signs, as i dressed well, bathed daily, had a job and a car and was well-spoken. nevertheless, i was treated with the same compassion as those who had more obvious symptoms of being the still suffering addict.
i have to admit, i get judgemental about some of the still suffering, especially those who seem to revel in being a victim and appear to be unwilling to step up and take responsibility for their lives. i have to desire to spiritually slap them soundly about the head and shoulders to get them to get over their bad selves and join the rest of us on a journey of recovery. i know that is unfair, as i do not walk in their shoes. i know that i, like them, was stuck in that same trap and i am grateful someone slapped me around until i woke up and started to live. i can say that was the case, way back when. the rooms were full of unconditional love and compassion, but one-on-one, was a different story. more than once i was told point blank that i was only a victim, because i chose to be one. i know that choice was the easier softer way for me, after all, if such and such is victimizing me, i do not have to take any responsibility for my life, all i had to do was suffer those slings and arrows.
last night was a case in point. it is true the members in attendance were what one might call literally a “captive audience.” they have very little power and control of their lives and they were all sharing the frustration of not getting the rewards for doing the next right thing for themselves. for more than a second i wanted to say, 😭 😭 😭 then i remembered what it felt like, when the world was against me and i was unable to get the rewards i expected for my “good” behavior. instead of saying grow a pair and move forward. i CHOSE instead to share about how i was transformed from playing the victim into a person responsible for himself, through the process of the TWELVE STEPS. i shared about how through the process of doing, that no matter what, i can change those things over which i have power and how to accept that which is beyond my control. i have control over how i live my life in recovery, they have no control over what the justice system does to them. as i once did, i lived the best life possible, given the constraints i was facing and came out a better person. it did not happen overnight and that process is still ongoing.
WOW, i guess i had a bit to say today. just for today, i am grateful that i have the desire to live my best possible life, which includes forty-two minutes of running, enjoying a big cigar as i work later this morning, a bit of laundry and cooking dinner for my spouse and i this evening. not the most exciting life, but certainly a good foil to the using dream i had, moments before i woke up this morning. i could go back to that place, or i can continue on the path that seemed to choose me, all those days ago, just for today.

∞ DT ∞