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freedom to be myself has been and still is a recurring theme in my recovery these days. i guess after the decades of being in my self made prison of being the whomever i needed to be, to feel safe and secure, this new found freedom is certainly something to rejoice over and celebrate. i know it may be starting to sound a bit trite and cliché, but if it keeps bubbling up from the depths, it must be something i should address. as i have shared in the past i spent a decade before i used the first time, figuring out how to be what i was not and live in the skin of a chameleon. i spent the next twenty-five years perfecting that skill, and honing it so i could get what i needed, the ways and means to escape being who i was not i then spent the next twenty-five years, clean, inching towards letting go of my secret shame and what i did to cover it up. the last few years have brought me to a place where i may still not know who i am, but i know who i certainly am not.
this morning as i deal with the aches and pains that come from pushing myself harder than i have in months, i know that i will be able to move forward into my new identity without issues, as it is not really new, just new to me. i was about to go down the path of bon mots and bumper stickers when i realized i am not a bumper sticker kind of guy and i am one who finds those that recite slogans as being lazy. the fact is, each day, i get to uncover a bit more of who i am and accept that new nugget of knowledge as the next building block into creating the person i am becoming. as that picture becomes more clear, i feel a bit more secure in the path i am on. i know that this is a program based on FAITH, but i have always treated it as a grand experiment to test the theory that i am better off clean and staying clean requires the work of a recovery program. so far, the evidence confirms my theory, so there is no need to alter it. life may not be grand today, but it certainly is damn close.

∞ DT ∞