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so a funny thing happened to me last evening while i was carrying the message, one of the attendees asked me if this meditation shit really worked. the topic was willingness and the secret sauce for a life in recovery. my formula at this time is daily application of STEPS 10, 11 and 12, a liberal dash of reaching out to addicts on a daily basis and an acknowledgement that i need to be given the power to stay clean. over the course of time, my formula for active recovery has certainly changed, based on who i have become and where i happen to be in the process. the funny part of the question from my peer, is that i know that meditation is not something all of my peers do on any regular basis, but for me, i know that when i do not, i end up in a world of hurting. my life feels out of balance and everything that occurs is an affront to me. i admit, that on the Kilimanjaro trek, i certainly lapsed in my application of my recovery formula. it was convenient to replace morning meditation with a walking meditation as i allowed myself to be immersed in where i was and what i was doing. what i learned on that journey is that even if i have a replacement, it is never as good as making the time and taking the effort to just sit and listen.
as i have said in the past, i have trouble with the truth about who i am and where i am going. losing my Mom and Dad, opening myself up to what was done to me and telling on myself, shook the foundations of my identity and out of those ruins the real me is starting to emerge. the truth i am certain of, when it comes to who i am, is that i am an addict, a plain, garden variety addict, who is in recovery. i cannot and will not blame being an addict of what was done to me, by whomever, as i have come to see that is just a cop-out and yet another set of smoke and mirrors i can use to refuse to take responsibility for my recovery.
ironically, yesterday, two of my peers that i once sponsored who seem to be unable or more than likely unwilling to “get” this recovery gig, reached out to me. both of them have been a drain on my time and effort and i actually did more for their recovery, than they chose to do for themselves. as those days are over, there should be some interesting conversations across the next few days. i know that for at least one of them, there is a bit of animosity, as i felt he used me and violated my trust. there is also a part of me that thinks what did i expect, seeing that i was dealing with an addict? it does not matter today, as IF he calls i will see what he may have to say. now it is time for me to post this little ditty and get back to work. it is a good day to be clean and move into a place of being forgiving, just for today.

∞ DT ∞