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but the truth of the matter is that, with the help of other recovering addicts i find a hand to pull me up, dust me off, and help me start all over again.
mistakes and failure, a very sad refrain for this addict, after all, i should know better than that by now! i can dwell in the misery of what i do and do not accomplish, that is simple enough, or i can take the easier, softer way and allow others to help me through accepting my less than perfectness and move on. the whole pity me paradigm is a familiar and comfortable one for me, after all life is hardly an easy gig to do, even on my best days! so accepting the suggestions of those with whom i share my life, and those who have gone before me down this path, is actually the easier and softer way. somewhere, someone, told me, and i came to believe that if i could not be perfect that i was somehow less than adequate. that belief system has persisted to this day, and was once again uncovered as the result of my current step work. even that realization plays into the whole pity me refrain. so the reading this morning, once again takes back into thinking about my step work. i do want to be more than i ever was, and yes i do want to live life without any goofing up. that ideal is more than likely beyond my capability as a human being, and addiction has nothing to do with it. i sometimes forget that being human and accepting the limitations of being human are part of the package. where that part of me i call my disease comes in, is that it takes my human failings and magnifies them into evidence that i am no better than i was when i walked in, that i have refused to learn from my mistakes and that i would better spend my energy son something else, like a bit of recreational using. the reading reminds me that my mistakes are part of taking risks and that i can learn from those mistakes, with the help of the fellowship that i choose to recover in, to become closer to that unachievable ideal that still persists in my belief system. it is not that i need to change my beliefs, rather i need to refocus on learning from my falls. so off to the trenches to see what i can do today!

∞ DT ∞