โ **RATS! i have hit that same bump in the road of life again.** โ
Posted: Sun, Sep 27, 2009 09:36:37 AM
i may continue to fall down occasionally, but i am learning that there is always a helping hand to set me on the path again.
this is not what i really heard this morning. my mind went directly to one of the men i sponsor, and how the refrain about how bad everything and how he is such a victim and so on, ad infintum. this blog is not about other addicts most of the time, at least these days, BUT it is about me, and what i am feeling, so as much as i would love to whine him refusing to see, that he is the victim of his own inflated and distorted expectations of the world and those of us, who happen to share that world with him, i have to go into how i can help him to see that is the speed bump he keeps hitting.
how can i do this? well for one, thinking back on my own experience in active addiction and in early recovery, this was without a doubt the center of my belief system. as i was the center of the world, and as i was the sole arbiter of right and wrong, this was standard behavior. justice was how i defined it, and right meant it benefited me, and wrong meant it was something that was detrimental to me, and there was very little in between. using provided a very thick and comfortable layer of emotional bubble-wrap, so when reality threatened to jostle my world view, i could safely spin it into something else. that spin cycle, is what i now call DENIAL, and when the drugs were gone, and with it, my cushion from reality, i was in a world of hurting and surprise. honestly, i fought as hard as i could to preserve my world view, buttress my structure of denial, and almost accomplished that task. had it not been for a convention i attended at about thirteen months clean, i could have and probably would have willingly sunk into the morass of active addiction, with that whole structure mostly intact, and some knowledge at how to defeat that part of me that may want to recover.
so the clue i get from that trudge down memory lane, is where did that desire come from. the desire to stay clean no matter what. even before that seminal event in my recovery journey, the desire to use had been lifted, and yet, i was setting myself up to return to the old life, by cross-fellowshipping to remain as different as i could from those who were most desirous of helping me find my way in recovery.
it was my desire to be different that kept my denial structure intact for so long, and there is the clue i may be able to use, to help my sponsee, find his way. as long as i was different, than nothing anyone in recovery said, applied to me. if nothing applied, i was free to pick and choose my path and do what i had always done, retreat into the fog of self-obsession. as much as i hate to admit it, that path is still available today. the only thing between me and that road, is the fellowship of addicts just like me. it is my FAITH in that fellowship, and the collective that keeps me clean. it is my FAITH in the POWER of all that recovery that keeps me coming back. and it is my FAITH that my answers come from those with whom i share the rooms of recovery with, that keeps me from retreating behind the remnants of my denial structure. it is that FAITH i need to use, to plant that seed within my sponsee.
so on that hopeful; note, i do believe i will take the dawg out for his exercise and let this percolate around inside my mind before acting on anything, after all, sometimes a moment or two is what this addict needs to get the correct answer.
this is not what i really heard this morning. my mind went directly to one of the men i sponsor, and how the refrain about how bad everything and how he is such a victim and so on, ad infintum. this blog is not about other addicts most of the time, at least these days, BUT it is about me, and what i am feeling, so as much as i would love to whine him refusing to see, that he is the victim of his own inflated and distorted expectations of the world and those of us, who happen to share that world with him, i have to go into how i can help him to see that is the speed bump he keeps hitting.
how can i do this? well for one, thinking back on my own experience in active addiction and in early recovery, this was without a doubt the center of my belief system. as i was the center of the world, and as i was the sole arbiter of right and wrong, this was standard behavior. justice was how i defined it, and right meant it benefited me, and wrong meant it was something that was detrimental to me, and there was very little in between. using provided a very thick and comfortable layer of emotional bubble-wrap, so when reality threatened to jostle my world view, i could safely spin it into something else. that spin cycle, is what i now call DENIAL, and when the drugs were gone, and with it, my cushion from reality, i was in a world of hurting and surprise. honestly, i fought as hard as i could to preserve my world view, buttress my structure of denial, and almost accomplished that task. had it not been for a convention i attended at about thirteen months clean, i could have and probably would have willingly sunk into the morass of active addiction, with that whole structure mostly intact, and some knowledge at how to defeat that part of me that may want to recover.
so the clue i get from that trudge down memory lane, is where did that desire come from. the desire to stay clean no matter what. even before that seminal event in my recovery journey, the desire to use had been lifted, and yet, i was setting myself up to return to the old life, by cross-fellowshipping to remain as different as i could from those who were most desirous of helping me find my way in recovery.
it was my desire to be different that kept my denial structure intact for so long, and there is the clue i may be able to use, to help my sponsee, find his way. as long as i was different, than nothing anyone in recovery said, applied to me. if nothing applied, i was free to pick and choose my path and do what i had always done, retreat into the fog of self-obsession. as much as i hate to admit it, that path is still available today. the only thing between me and that road, is the fellowship of addicts just like me. it is my FAITH in that fellowship, and the collective that keeps me clean. it is my FAITH in the POWER of all that recovery that keeps me coming back. and it is my FAITH that my answers come from those with whom i share the rooms of recovery with, that keeps me from retreating behind the remnants of my denial structure. it is that FAITH i need to use, to plant that seed within my sponsee.
so on that hopeful; note, i do believe i will take the dawg out for his exercise and let this percolate around inside my mind before acting on anything, after all, sometimes a moment or two is what this addict needs to get the correct answer.
∞ DT ∞