Blog entry for:

i will remember that with the help of my fellow members, there is a way for me to move forward.
yes, i took a few liberties with the seed i used for starting this little ditty, so sue me!
in reality, i could have used it as is, with only a single reference removed, as is the general case for me, however today, i felt i needed something a bit stronger for me.
there is still something that DOES cry out for failure within me. i could fall back on the whole addiction trip, and while true, it just feels like such a cop-out to me. i could use the whole culture gig, that no matter how bad i am at something, i NEVER let anyone see me fail, that too, feels like a rationalization. no the place i will go this morning, is tolerance and perhaps even a bit of acceptance of the fact, that i DO self-sabotage and i DO fail because of it and i DO whine about how terrible and awful i have it, because that is what i do. the cause and conditions for this sate are really irrelevant to me, what is relevant is what i want to do about it and how i act, behave and yes react when this state is once again entered, yes that is the state of failing at something, whether by my own hand or just life on its on terms.
as i was thinking about what another addict and i were speaking about last night, i was struck by the insanity in my life, through the example of the insanity in his. here i sit, with a job more than likely, starting on Monday, but as stressed as i am, i am setting up an interview with another company for tomorrow, just in case. all the time, i am also setting up another side job, finishing the one that paid the bills in this period of self-employment and whining about how my savings is draining away. i am looking at the consequences of a series of choices i made starting in July and seeing that maybe i deserve to be sitting here in uncertainty,m because i did not do enough to insure my success. that somehow i am so fVcking broken, that i purposefully made the wrong choices just so i could fail once again, and end up sitting in a sh!tpile of my own making, whining about where the fVck is the justice in this world!
one may not get the insanity in all of that, unless i provide a bit of context. yes the downtown job was good, paid well and truthfully had i blinked on the job offer in July, i would probably be there still, whining about the two hours of my life i lost each day. i am now certain that the POWER that fuels my recovery, did for me, what i could not do for myself, namely got me off my proverbial a$$ and into the real world again. where will all of this end up? well today, i am quite certain, BUT i have FAITH that as long as i keep my eyes and ears open, do what i NEED to do, and everything will work out for me. both opportunities are at the top of my skill-set, and i will have to work at living up to what they want me to do. however the self-employment gig, that is and has been my life for the past two months, has given mt the opportunity to become better equipped to handle either position. i am that much better prepared to enter their worlds and all i have to do is let go, and if there is going to be a choice, allow myself to feel the way to the correct one. this cycle of insanity is that IF i start thinking i deserve anything more than the opportunity, i will end up whining about the unfairness of it all and keep doing the same actions, even when i am certain they will not lead to a successful outcome.
what i do know, i NEED to work out, i have a massage this morning, work on my desk and a commitment to reconnect with a friend this evening, come hell or high water, and given the weather report, the high water may be reality. it is good to be clean today and i will do whatever i can to succeed, and accept that failure is part of taking a risk and trying for things outside of my comfort zone.

∞ DT ∞