Blog entry for:

halfway through my Second Step sort of day, and finally writing this down. i did write about breaking free from the bonds of good and evil and original sin yesterday, and here today i come smack dab up against the original sin of addiction, self-destruction. it is a wonderment to me,l how i ever made it in the doors, much less stuck around, and testament to a FAITH i was not born with, has not become inherent and only arrived at, only after much toil and self-deconstruction.yes for me, FAITH comes from seeing the result of the process of ripping away the notions, ideas and judgements that i were present within me, when i walked through the doors. self-destruction was one of those, as i did not sincerely believe i was worth anything, and could not see, except in my fantasies. how i could ever make an impact of any sort, on anyone, ever. since i had little worth, a bit destruction was called for, and bit by bit, i gave away the pieces of myself, that i once believed had worth, over to addiction. the more i used, the better i felt. the better i felt, the less i missed any of that stuff, and over and over again i sank spiritually and emotionally into an abyss of my own making. the deeper i went, the more self-destructive i became, because it seemed, at times, the only way i COULD feel anything was when i was hurting myself, over and over and over again. self-destructive was what i was when i got here, so self-deconstruction was not that much of a jump for me.
i speak of self-deconstruction as the foil to self-destruction for a variety of reasons. for me, when i got here, i knew who i was, at least at the core, but was unable to see that person anymore. denial, flawed belief structures and layers of obfuscation, kept me from seeing the man i was at that time, and in my head i fantasized that i was the person that lurked at the core of the layers active addiction had put over that person. after all, something had to shield me from what i did, w\\ho i hurt or used and what enslaved me. those first eighteen mo0nths of being around the rooms and abstinent, were just the start of a process that is ongoing today. i g\\had to arrive at the place, after much misery and resistance, that i was worth being reconstructed and that i could survive the demolition process necessary to make that process a reality. even as i embarked on that journey, i was far from certain i was willing to face the consequences working the STEPS would bring. i resisted, hemmed and hawed, argued, rationalized and exhausted all other possibilities before i let go and accepted, and never, ever, once let a single soul know that i had never considered myself worth doing what was suggested. i suffered in silence, because looking good, was more important than feeling good and there was always an out. if i did not let anyone see my suffering, then when i went out, they would be shocked and surprised, and say that they never saw it coming. i was preparing for the nuclear option of self-destruction, without letting anyone know where i was going.
as one of my peers is fond of saying, the past is nice, but i need not dwell there any longer. today, the self-destructive part of me, is far less active as i have value in my own eyes. today, i can detach the value judgement from my behaviors and focus on the consequences, and whether or not i am willing to face them. today, well today, i choose to live in a self-enhancing sort of mode, and be okay just being me. today i know my value, and need not pretend i am something i am not, and yes, most of the time, this is how it is \\or me. time and again i come back to the question of what i am worth today, and when i can see my own value, without considering my value to others, the siren call of self-destruction is less strong and effective.
with that in mind, i guess it is time to move beyond the dragons of self-destruction and find the next horizon, just for today.

∞ DT ∞