ยฟ there is something in my self-destructive personalitiy that cries for failure ยฟ
Posted: Mon, Sep 27, 2010 08:44:54 AM
or is there really? this was certainly the case when i was a using addict, after all, there were days when i need a justification to use. on those days reality intruded uncomfortably into my numbed fantasy world and a failure of some sort allowed me the freedom to use enough, long enough to push it back into its proper place, OUT OF MY AWARENESS.
this was certainly the case when i was between my first meeting and my clean date. failing at the little things convinced me that my next use was not a failure, but a protection against the harsh world the judicial system had entrapped me within. like a fly in amber, could see the rest of the world , but the constraints of my sentence kept me from enjoying that world. my failure here, was getting caught up in something that i had very little to do with in the first place.
this was certainly the case in my early recovery, when i was doing whatever it took to stay clean, no matter how hard it was, no matter how much it hurt, and no matter what i felt at thew time. there and then , it allowed me the opportunity to whine about all the bad stuff going on in my life, and get a bit more attention, to replace the substances and feed my need to be something different.
so the real question this morning, is this actually the case in the here and now? i wish i could say that thoughts of this type have somehow been eliminated from my life. they have been reduced to a level where i barely hear them anymore, which while on the surface may seem like a good thing. in reality, this sub rosa thought process can prove deadly for me. it is the little nags that end up adding up to make me miserable, rather than the big obstacles that appear in my path, seemingly out of nowhere. so while i do not dwell on failure in my personal, business or recovery lives, i know that failure is part and parcel of life in the real world. i can see that, take risks that i calculate may lead to a better situation and accept the consequences when they do not pay off. i need not live in the gloomy gray world of expecting failure.
well the time has come to hit the road and get some exercise this morning. dealing with the real world is definitely on the agenda for today and i am going to strive to succeed by doing the next right thing, at least just for right now.
this was certainly the case when i was between my first meeting and my clean date. failing at the little things convinced me that my next use was not a failure, but a protection against the harsh world the judicial system had entrapped me within. like a fly in amber, could see the rest of the world , but the constraints of my sentence kept me from enjoying that world. my failure here, was getting caught up in something that i had very little to do with in the first place.
this was certainly the case in my early recovery, when i was doing whatever it took to stay clean, no matter how hard it was, no matter how much it hurt, and no matter what i felt at thew time. there and then , it allowed me the opportunity to whine about all the bad stuff going on in my life, and get a bit more attention, to replace the substances and feed my need to be something different.
so the real question this morning, is this actually the case in the here and now? i wish i could say that thoughts of this type have somehow been eliminated from my life. they have been reduced to a level where i barely hear them anymore, which while on the surface may seem like a good thing. in reality, this sub rosa thought process can prove deadly for me. it is the little nags that end up adding up to make me miserable, rather than the big obstacles that appear in my path, seemingly out of nowhere. so while i do not dwell on failure in my personal, business or recovery lives, i know that failure is part and parcel of life in the real world. i can see that, take risks that i calculate may lead to a better situation and accept the consequences when they do not pay off. i need not live in the gloomy gray world of expecting failure.
well the time has come to hit the road and get some exercise this morning. dealing with the real world is definitely on the agenda for today and i am going to strive to succeed by doing the next right thing, at least just for right now.
∞ DT ∞