Blog entry for:

in my life, as i am no longer a **victim** of my addiction. oh i can certainly still trip into self-destructive behavior, make a mistake or three on a daily basis, or even exercise a shortcoming or two. what i no longer say: is that what else would i expect, i am after all, just another addict. it is not as if i am all of a sudden, less lazy than ever before, my first reaction to any sort of adversity is to attempt to shift blame to anything or anyone else. it would be wonderful to toss a rainbow in here and say that i am way beyond that sort of behavior, but that is far from the case.
i could dwell in the house of pain, self-inflicted or not, but as i watch ADHD football on the Red Zone this morning, i can say that i can forgive myself for my missteps and look for a different path to the outcomes i desire. i still want what i want and DESIRE often drives my actions. honestly, i believe i will never be free from my bondage to DESIRE, but in the moment, i can make a choice to respond in a different manner. a case in point was the letter i wrote earlier this week. i expected to get “fired” as his sponsor. to say the least, i was pleasantly surprised that he took my missive in stride and asked for his next assignment. i have yet to “hear” what my next letter will say, but i am willing to “listen” to how to guide him back on to the path of recovery. the lesson i take way from all the angst and worry i felt, over how to respond to his “self-destructive” behavior, was totally wasted effort. i can say that i am so fVcking glad i worried about what i was going to write, NOT!
as i get to the end of this little exercise, i can state without any reservations that forgiving myself for the parts and pieces of the rest of my day, that are not up to my “expectations,” is certainly something i desire to do. i really do not need to live in a place where i expect myself to be “better” than i really am. that does not mean i need to choose to act-out, but if i stumble into that place, i can take responsibility for making a poor choice, dust myself off, and get right back up, once again.

∞ DT ∞