Blog entry for:

how hard I try, it seems that nothing works out as i want it to. a year ago i was plotting my revenge on the scammers who played me, totally oblivious to the reality that i **getting something for nothing** is almost always the way to part me from my hard-earned resources. that experience could have made me colder, less trusting and bitter to the max. over the past year, i have felt all of that and a whole lot more. today, i see how gullible and naive i was and when similar “opportunities” come knocking, and they do about once a month, i know how to look through the smoke and mirrors and expose them for what they are. funny, how once i tell them the result of my “due diligence” they disappear quite quickly. that is ancient history as far as i am concerned. yes i am paying the price and whining about it here. the “silver lining” as it were, is that my credit is trashed and is taking time to be repaired as i pull myself out of debt. the other lesson is that if i do not have the resources, the proper response is NO!
as part of my TENTH STEP last night, i realized that being frustrated and curt with my co-worker is not going to change how well he meets my seemingly over-ambitious expectations. berating and belittling him is not working, being forgiving and kind does not seem to do the trick. i have four days to open my mind to a new course of action, as i really do want to see him succeed. i am starting to see that i am not being an effective communicator with him and when i suggest something he does not seem to understand the urgency of my request. perhaps treating him as i do the men that call me their sponsor, is more of the path to go down. let him fail, refuse to take his failures on as a reflection of how well i am doing my job and help him get back on his feet, after his fall. apparently being a helicopter team mate is not the path i need to be taking. 😜
this is not an exercise in cynicism or self-deprecation this morning,. although it certainly looks like it could be. yes i got scammed, yes i cannot “force” someone to see the world as i do. i am feeling a sense of relief of sorts, as i am putting down in bits and bytes what has been swirling around inside me the past few days. it really hit me as i sat in a meeting last night with someone who said that they were there because they n“needed something to do.” my internal landscape was scorched with rage and bitterness, as all of a sudden i felt “used and abused” once again. i almost got up and walked out, instead i went back to why i was there and what i was there to do. it was not to convince anyone that they were an addict, nor was it to drag them by the short-hairs into the fellowship that has given me this life. once i went to the place that i was there to carry a message and plant a seed of HOPE, we had an excellent meeting, even if there was no pot of coffee gurgling in the background, or at least i did.
with the thought that i CAN be better today and let myself see “alternative versions” of my “TRUTH,” i think the dawg and i will take our walking tour of the neighborhood and see how many steps i can get in, before i am chained to my work computer, prisoner in my own home, waiting for the witching hour to be once again freed from the chains of wage slavery.

∞ DT ∞