Blog entry for:

my faith grows, a reward for living life on its own terms. one day i realize my faith has become like a huge spreading tree; it does not stop the storms of life, but i know that i am safe in its shelter.
so i could once again go into how i came to recovery with absolutely noo faith and have learned to have faith by the preponderance of the evidence, BUT that has been said by me more than once before, and the problem with working out of a book that has an annual cycle is that i am lazy and often go straight to the most obvious topic i hear in the reading.
so in that light, what did this reading really speak to me about this morning. well once again, i get stuck on the word reward. looking at my growing FAITH as a reward for living life on its own terms, bothers me. i know i have talked about how i hate the whole reward and punishment hard-wiring that is present in me, and this morning i guess i am finally getting to the point of seeing that railing against that is like trying to cut my eye out. yes it is quite possible for me to pluck out my eye, and yes i could live with only a single eye, and i might even be able to find some cool glass eye to replace the natural one that i was given when i was created. truthfully, however, my life would not be any better without that eye, so unless i really get nuts and out there, i think removing my eye would be something that i do not need to consider. so trying to fight against a piece of me, that comes from being human, such as reward and punishment, is just as silly in my humble opinion. i do crave rewards for doing something right, and a bit of pain for doing something wrong is a good feedback loop to get me back on track. so looking at that system in that manner, i need to learn to tolerate that i am always going to be avoiding punishment and seeking rewards.
okay, it took me a while to get here, seeing my growing and evolving FAITH as a reward for living my life on its own terms, is not quite so unpalatable to me now. doing what i need to do, to nurture that gift is quite logical and rational, even if that gift defies any rational or logical explanation. my FAITH is the result of seeing the changes manifest in my life, and of all the things i have FAITH in, the program where i choose to find my recovery is where i place place most of it. no i am not some sort of Godless heathen, although many may consider me such. i know where the gift of recovery comes from, and i know where the conduit of the gift exists. yes i get the POWER to stay clean from a POWER GREATER THAN ME, the POWER to stay clean flows through the fellowship and the program of recovery, as well as through each and every person with whom i interact with on a daily basis. all of that and more are part and parcel of my FAITH today, and for that gift or even (UGH) reward i am grateful today. so off to the showers to spring into this new day.

∞ DT ∞