Blog entry for:

of my direction and moving with FAITH towards something different, is always a spooky place for me. i see some of my peers who have more clean time than i do, spinning out of control, in what appears as insanity to me. i have a sponsor i rarely call, seldom use and make very little effort to make a part of my life. i am stuck on a FOURTH STEP, most certainly out of FEAR of what i may become if i let go of the stories that define me. as i see my peers decide to do the “controlled using” experiment, i begin to wonder if i, too could make that same decision and keep all that i have been given since i got clean.
in the midst of all this internal “angst-ish” swirl of consideration, i am reacting less to the external world and choosing to breathe and respond. i feel secure in my ability to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to keep me clean another day. i know how to be a part of the lives around me and relish the opportunity to do so. i know that regardless of my current form of insecurity, i CAN stay clean another day and if i allow that POWER to do so, get all that i need. so here i sit in the balance, certain about what i do not wish to become and wise enough to treat the internal struggle between allowing change and obstinately holding on to what i have, as part of my recovery process.
when i get to this point, i often consider my peers. most of those who saw me way back when, have shuffled off to other places, HOWEVER:

Margaret C,
Kudos for Twenty-six (26) years clean.
May you continue to find what you need, here.

and so it goes.
sitting here this morning, as i take care of getting ready to sneak out of the house, i am quite certain that what i need to do, is nothing whatsoever, just be okay, allow myself to feel what i am feeling and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to provide the direction that i am so hellbent in seeing RIGHT NOW, DAMMIT! i have the desire to take some action, any sort of action and in this case, i am almost certain that my first thought is wrong. what it comes down to is FAITH, as the reading speaks about. FAITH that i am on the correct path. FAITH that staying clean today is part of that path. FAITH that i will get the direction i need from my peers and from the POWER that fuels my recovery. most of all FAITH in myself that when all is said and done, i will intuitively know what the next right thing is, just for today.

∞ DT ∞