Blog entry for:

where to go for answers and for me, it is the literature written by and the experience of those members who have walked this before me. this morning i am more than a bit uncomfortable with the notion of GOD and not quite sure what it is that is driving it. i am pretty certain that what i am feeling is disgust for the behaviors of those who purport to be “people of FAITH,” and those feelings derive from my judgements based on a value system that includes integrity. moving on:

Margaret C
Congrats on 24 years clean.
You have shown me how to have FAITH.

getting past what i am feeling and how to return to the “fold,” as it were, is becoming an exercise in perseverance this morning. i really, really want to rail against all sorts of things and call out all the evil hypocrites that infest the daily news cycle, when i “feel” i need to look for that quiet place within, that i had found this morning, before i read the news, the REAL news as saying it is “fake” does not make it so, no matter how many times one says it. what i am feeling is the spiritual unease of familiarity. i WANT to do just that: deny what i said, pretend that i ever acted contrary to my moral values and divert any meaningful conversation about who i am and my vision for the future with the smoke and mirrors of the misdeeds of others, real or imagined. well that was not as hard as i thought it might be.
my history indicates that living a lie, is a comfortable place for me, or at least it was at one time. i could and did, justify and rationalize away my responsibility for some of the most outrageous things that i did, and never blinked. it that behavior that at times i long for, as in my nostalgic euphoric recall, i see that as some sort of “golden” age. recovery removed my ability to hide under the guise of being spiritual or superior to others and as i lost my ability to LIE to myself about the effects of my less than stellar behavior, i needed a replacement value system. the one i adopted was one of convenience, because i feared string out on my own, and this morning, i am grateful it has led me to where i am today. those values, regardless of their flawed source, are a good guide for me to follow and align with what i have been taught a program of active recovery looks like. my FAITH today, lies more in the collective conscience of the fellowship that saved my life. no one member may have all or even any of the answers i seek, but as a whole, that answer is present, if i choose to open my mind and listen for it.
just for today, i will walk in FAITH that no matter what, i will be given what i need to survive another day clean.

∞ DT ∞