Blog entry for:

but it will calm my heart.
it has been quite an active morning for me, and what is still on my mind, is the conversation i had with a man i thought had fired as his sponsor. well that certainly was a miscommunication, as i found out yesterday and our conversation actually cemented in my head, part of where i need to be going as i continue my path through active recovery. like me, he is not feeling satisfied about what seems to be the norm in our local fellowship, at least when it come to concepts of a HIGHER POWER, and like me, he is struggling to find the common ground. well the common ground part, not so much, but the desire is there. before i go much further:

Margaret C,
Congrats on 21 years clean

so a common ground? well for certain, i am certain that staying clean is what i am supposed to be doing PERIOD! so the rest of the HIGHER POWER and FAITH stuff, comes down to the nuts and bolts of living a program.
so there are many in the rooms who go around spouting how GOD has given them this or that, really nice for them, only i do not see it. others who scream that it is all about the newcomer and promptly walk away when they get some time. and finally those who insist that this is all about staying clean. each and every one of those memes are okay for others, but for me, i feel that they are far too limiting. active addiction put more than enough constraints on my life and as a result i am not comfortable restricting myself to the various party lines. i do not desire to put myself in a box, especially now that i have tasted the freedom and exhilaration of what can be. being here for the newcomer and staying clean, are wonderful values for me to live, but there is so much more. acting as if the progress i have made in my life and my recovery is some sort of manna form heaven, not so much. yes, i am reliant on the POWER that fuels my recovery to provide me what i need, BUT i need to be awake enough to see those opportunities and willing enough to reach out and grab them. when my peers seem to get stuck, i NEED to remember that they too, have the exact same opportunities as i did and do. they choose to stay where they are, for whatever reason or motives drive them. it is not for me to judge them, but to listen for the opportunities i need to further myself along this recovery path.
which brings me back to FAITH. i purposefully left the GOD part out of my seed, because i wanted to go in a direction that is all about me. growing my FAITH, has been a process. living my FAITH a process of no less importance. this morning i do not believe that my FAITH will be tested, except by me, in a fit of self-will. imposing my will on a group, because it strikes my fancy is not part of who i am today. the POWER that fuels my recovery, has not put on my heart to traipse over somewhere i am not a frequent visitor to and impose a structure outside of what they generally do, just because. nope, i have FAITH today, that should i get into such a state, that i will feel that is not part of the harmony and balance i am trying to achieve in my life. after all, that is what i am coming to believe the will of a HIGHER POWER is for me.
time to run, enjoy a cigar and get some football in, and the rest of what happens today? well it will be what it will be.

∞ DT ∞