Blog entry for:

not a whole lot of seed there and quite the topic for one, who like me, is coming towards the end of an 11TH step. maybe tonight, maybe not. these days i am not going to throw coins and consult the Book of Changes to see if i can peer into the uncertain fog that is the future. before i start to speak of FAITH, i need to acknowledge someone who i love and was here when i got here. there are not a whole lot of my peers left in my life, who saw me back in those days, because of those addicts, i am clean today and can speak on my FAITH, as it is today.

Margaret C
Congrats on 22 years of
Just for Todays!

FAITH in anything, does not come easy to me. i doubt , question and examine everything before i even start to accept the reality of it. for a person like me, belief in something without any tangible evidence, is extremely problematic and often ends in bitter disappointment for me. one of the Jedi mind tricks i see many of my peers use, is to attach divine intervention to events that had the possibility of killing them, but did not. for them that is evidence that there a GOD and that GOD protected them until they could find the rooms. their FAITH seems to be based on that evidence, and on that structure their FAITH rests. me? well i am not that kind of person. whether or not there was divine intervention that protected me from myself, is a moot point. the facts are that i arrived in the rooms, i spent the better part of two years trying to disprove that i belong here and finally, grudgingly accepted i did belong, but i was never going to fall into the trap of tricking myself into things i could never believe. so my journey to FAITH, started with FAITH in the program. i could see that there were addicts, who used like i did, and thought like i did, and still were happy after years of not using. their example was the seed of FAITH i needed, and my OCD did the rest. i took on the project of finding a spiritual path i could accept and have FAITH in, and i have arrived at a point where i feel good about the direction it has led me in.
my journey is far from complete, as i sense i sense there is so much more. not to explain, but to experience, now that i am finally comfortably ensconced on a path. no longer do i feel the need to conform to my peers in this respect, but i can respect and accept their paths as well. no longer do i need to cringe when i say prayer, GOD or disease of addiction, as they are all shorthand for what i have FAITH in today. i am more whole, more genuine and certainly more self-assured than ever before and that spills over to my FAITH in the program that continues to fill me with the HOPE, that this addict can have another day clean. today i GET to have a life in the sunshine of my fellowship and society in general. today, i am quite certain that the storms of life will continue to howl, but i need not lose FAITH that if i ask, i will receive the power to stay clean today. today i have the FAITH to wrap this up, shower off the past 24 and head on down to work, because it really is the next right thing to do. will i return home tonight, starting my 12TH step? i will not hazard a guess as that will be up to myself, my sponse and the collective will of the POWERS that fuel our recoverys.

∞ DT ∞