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...with a Higher Power that can help fill the emptiness of my heart. okay, just a little jest there this morning, to see if i caught anyone up in the **ah, this is about relationships** trap. well the reading is and it is not. what stood out for me this morning was the definitions of being alone and feeling lonely, and how to use a relationship with my HIGHER POWER as a cure for loneliness. i could end it there and be off on my merry way, but like all good addicts who have a bit on their mind and a bit of time before the next task, i have plenty to say on the whole topic. being alone, being lonely and relationships.
for me, all of those topics are interrelated and so deeply enmeshed in each other that is impossible for me to sort them out independently. i understand that being alone is a physical state and being lonely is an emotional state. i also understand that they are hardly dependent on one another. there were plenty of times hen i was using when i felt lonely even though i was married, to at that time was the woman of my desire. she never did understand me, and not for lack of trying, it was an effort on my part to keep her at arms length, so the cause of my loneliness could hardly be laid at her feet. that same situation played itself out over and over again in my active addiction was was more than a bit present when i finally accepted that i was not so fVcking unique and i could actually consider surrendering to a program of recovery. i still wanted to be alone, unbothered by the roaring crowd of recovering addicts trying to welcome me into the rooms and usher me into a life where i never had to be alone again, nor ever feel lonely. i was unready to accept that particular gift, but i kept coming back and learned that if i wanted a cure for my loneliness i needed to develop some relationships, and not ones based on a physical need to release bodily fluids. no there were two important relationships that needed to be established, the first with a HIGHER POWER, in whatever form that happened to be in those days, and the second and most important was with myself. those two relationships allowed me to become comfortable in the world and to be alone without feeling lonely, or even better to be in the company of my peers and not feel lonely and disconnected.
as i progress in my recovery, i still find myself having mixed motives and hidden agendas when i meet new people or move in circles i am uncomfortable within, but i realize it is the lonely part inside of me that creates the desire to act in that way, and not the connected and healthy recovering part of me. no i am not some kind of Sybil, with twenty or so personalities running around inside my head, but i am a complex person who is learning how to make all these seemingly different pieces fit into a whole being. part of that integration process is strengthening the those two important relationships and allowing myself to be comfortable in the presence of no one or everyone. that trick is becoming easier day by day, so i think i will once again surrender to the program of recovery that has been given me today.

∞ DT ∞