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as i sit down to pound this little ditty out, i see all sorts of irony over the past twenty-four hours. i actually started writing on my THIRD STEP last night before sitting down for a bit of video entertainment. i did not inquire about an outcome that i was once way overly invested in. and i walked out of the meeting in a facility last night with a sense of something i have not felt in quite some time, when leaving that service commitment ↝ a sense of doing something more. i am clueless about what may have changed to drive all those disparate feelings and even this morning i am “feeling” content and ready to face the world. this gift horse may be full of Greeks, but i am not going to look in its mouth.
for as long as i can remember, i really liked being isolated and alone. even before i used for the first time, i was confused about people and social interactions and the easier softer way for me, was just to withdraw into a quiet world that i shared with no one. if i was lonely, and as confused as i was about what i felt that may have been the case, i accepted as the cost of not getting hurt, humiliated or embarrassed by not knowing how to act with others. ironically, using brought me out of that world and provided me the means to be more social and provided a set of rules to live by ↝ get high every day and nothing is f*cked. as i spiraled down into active addiction, being alone was the best option for me. if no one was with me, i did not have to share whatever was in the bag but isolation, while preferable, was never the answer unless i was sure i had enough in the bag, which of course never happened. my distance from a bustling life full of people grew and yes, i was mostly alone, even in a room full of people. best of all, or so i thought, i accepted that this was the best of all possible worlds for me and i could ride off into the sunset, alone and without attachment, emotionally or socially. but, life threw a bit of a curve ball, and here i am clean, in recovery and wondering WTF!
it would be so easy here to fall over in feigned gratitude and spout off a few clichés and bumper stickers, but there are certainly times when i wonder if coming into the human world from active addiction is actually a blessing, rather than a curse. learning how to live with others in my life and learning how to live in my own skin has been an arduous journey. there are certainly times when i still feel alone and that no one could possibly get me. there are times when i want to force a group of my peers to comply with my self-centered wishes and hide the true nature of my request under a huge pile of spiritual principles. there are times when i am absolutely insane and i do not want anyone to witness that, because i am afraid of how they will judge me. the list goes on and on and instead of continuing the litany of what i would prefer to keep on the down-low, i will move off in a different direction. today i am building a connection to the POWER that fuels my recovery and finally accepting that i do not need to make that concept fit anyone else's notions, PERIOD. today i can allow myself the freedom to be who i am and show that self to the world around me. most importantly i can be okay allowing others to be in my life, even if they are acting-out of self-interest and do not have motives that align with mine. with all of that in mind, i think i will start the journey down to my place of gainful employment and see if i can sustain the mood i am in, even surrounded by other commuters who have their own self-interest in mind.

∞ DT ∞