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and alone. not today anyhow, but more than once across the course of my recovery, i certainly have felt all sorts of things and lonely was just one of those feelings, or as the reading states: “a state of heart.”
being alone, however, is a place i LIKE to be and learning how to be social seems to have been what this set of steps was all about. time and again, i come back to a state of heart where i just do not want anyone around. i want solitude, quiet and serenity, then i whine about being alone and swing back to being the social butterfly, catching for a moment the balance of in between. actually that is a bit of hyperbole, the times in the middle, at least since starting this set of steps greatly outnumber, the times at the extremes.
honestly, i am not sure if i was the drugs, my addiction or just the way i am wired, but when i was in active addiction, very rarely did i feel lonely. i was alone most of the time, and i either grew accustomed to it, as is probably the case, or i just did not NEED to fill my life with people, which would be the story i told myself. relationships are messy and require work, being alone, is certainly a very easy way out. no fuss, no mess and the only chaos, was that which i created myself. sort of a perfect storm for a control freak, as i could certainly take care of myself. so when i started this set of steps, i was certain that i would not be lonely, i could be comfortable being alone and that i had reached my capacity to care for the number of people i had in my life. the never-ending story was done, at least in this respect and i had no HOPE of getting any better, so it was better to “settle” for what i had and be grateful for that gift. ironically i have come to a place, where i see that is not the case.
today i see it was self-will that held me back, based on an overarching FEAR of getting hurt. if i wanted to reduce the chance of getting hurt, i need to limit the number of people i cared for and allowed to acre for me. for someone who used to love to take risks, it seemed that recovery had killed that part of me, and it also seemed that was a good way to be. i may be alone, but i was not lonely. i had just enough people in my life and i could easily maintain and foster those relationships. that lie, kept me sick much longer than i ever wanted to be, but prepared me for the spiritual awakening of seeing that my life is full of relationships and all of them require an element of caring and certainly some work. i have developed the DESIRE to have more and my recovery allows me channel that DESIRE into a healthy place.
i am certainly not one of those who are “in love with the idea of being in love.” nor am i some sort of ascetic hermit that walks away from the world to contemplate and meditate on all sorts of esoteric notions. because, like most of the human race i fall somewhere in between, i a grateful that i finally stopped believing the lie, and let the POWER that fuels my recovery, to return me to the company of my fellows.it is a good day to be clean and connected to the people in my life. it is even a better day to post this and move on to my next task of doing nothing, after all, is that not what paid holidays are all about?
in honor of those who died to give me this opportunity, i remember and honor your sacrifice and thank you for giving me the life i have.

∞ DT ∞