Blog entry for:

even in a room full of people. as i sat and listened this morning, a tune started playing in my head. it was certainly background muzak, as often happens in the soundtrack for my life, that finally became distinct and recognizable as i prepared to write this little ditty. the line that i keep hearing is:“yes they are sharing a drink called loneliness, but it's better that drinking alone.”
for those who need a refresher, that line is from the Piano Man by Billy Joel. so of course i needed to go watch the video to refresh my memory, and now more than ever i hear the words ringing in my ears. i GET what the reading is talking about, as much as i get the point of that song, both are saying nearly the same thing, but the reading has a solution whereas the song… well, i have tried that solution as well, and the consequence ended up not to my liking in the long run.
so is loneliness inherent in me, or was it something that developed as i grew into active addiction. i can remember being lonely even before i used for the first time. oh i could blame lots of events for my withdrawal from the world, even before i found the relief of my chemical romance. the fact is, i was lonely before i used, and as i realized how much different i was than my peers, i with drew further and further intro my shell, alone was so much safer than then taking the risk i would form an attachment and then get hurt or have to move again.
feeling lonely ⇒ choosing to isolate ⇒ becoming lonely ⇒ better living through chemistry ⇒ and here i be!
today, well today loneliness is not such a pervasive part of who i am anymore,. i am still more than slightly socially awkward, still struggle in crowds. and can still feel lonely, but instead of diving into my pharmacopoeia, i can dive into the program of recovery that has become my life. it is interesting, hell even ironic, to hear the voice of one of my peers speaking of the fellowship and the bonds that are formed here, as a substitute for using. i know i do lots of things to keep myself apart from those in fellowship and social anxiety and lack of grace, makes it that much easier, “after all,” i can say to myself, “that stuff is just not me.”
i want to be connected, i fear being connected. i want to have people care for me, and my greatest fear is allowing myself to grow dependent on the care and love of others. i have the desire to be guided and yet am afraid as being seen as ignorant and helpless. this litany of contrasts could go on and on, and it certainly is a great exercise for where i am in my step, after all, i am coming to strengthen my conscious contact, through prayer and meditation, and not being a prayerful sort of guy, i still need to listen more than ask. what is my vision for myself as i grow into the connected sort of life, that seems to have been waiting for me. yes, this set of steps has been about finding my place, or as i have put it in the past my relationship with the world in general and within my fellowship specifically. i need no longer define myself by how many titles i have, nor by the number of friends i have, nor by the number of men, who call me their sponsor. this set of steps, is stripping that need from me, and replacing it with a sense of defining myself by what i feel from the inside, which sometimes is not at all ATTRACTIVE, such as my recently uncovered resentments.
on that note, i think i will go shower off and head on out to the real world and my home group. it is a great day to be clean and who knows, maybe today, i can feel the warmth of those who love and care for me, and revel in that joyful state.

∞ DT ∞