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cool. i get the opportunity to sneak in a plug for the fellowship that has given me a way out of being alone. for the record, i was never a **lonely** sort of person, even before i started using. it was easier for me to be alone. i was comfortable in living a life isolated, physically and emotionally from everyone around me. when i started using, i found my peeps. but even hanging with them created all sorts of “issues” that were better off resolved by being alone. ah, the wonderful world of denial!
after my latest sprint through the FOURTH and FIFTH steps, i know that being alone was a direct result of crafting a lie that emulated the truth, upon which i based my entire identity. if i believed i was “broken” and hide that fact from the world around, me, being alone was certainly the easier, softer path. even in early recovery, it was easier for me to “pretend” to be some sort of “guru” than admit i was broken and needed the support of my peers to find a path towards reality. once the lie was exposed, i found myself in terra incognito, without any clue about which direction to go. i have to let go of what i think i know about myself and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to provide the clues i need to move forward.
the question, now that i have the answer, is where will those clues come from? i am not one of those who believes in predetermination, a divine plan of having any grasp on what the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, happens to be. as a result, i have to pay attention to what the people in my life are telling me. whether that input is explicitly given or is implied by their reactions to how i am behaving. my task is pay attention and be present for the opportunities i am given to move forward in my journey to find my true identity, discarding what i came to believe all those decades ago. i also am quite sure, that taking a vacation and getting away from it all, will help ground me in the work i have before me. including accepting those in my life as they are and not expecting them to change into what i want them to be. just for today, i am grateful i have folks in my life, even wqhen they are annoying, cloying or feel “too close.” it is a good day to be who i may be becoming and let go of who i thought i was, together with the people who give me the insight i need to move forward.

∞ DT ∞