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yes this is exactly my two cents on this topic this morning. one of the most popular rationalization and justification i hear for some pretty outrageous behavior, is the FEAR of being alone. for me, being alone was once upon a time the exact state of social interaction that i desired, and when i did not have to deal with people, than my life was perfect, in that instant. what i desired, however, was someone to enable me to do what i wanted to do, especially as i spun down deeper into the pits of my active addiction. in the end, like Greta Garbo, i only wanted to be alone, and yet i wanted to relieve my loneliness by having a host to take hostage and drain of their life energy.
it is certainly ironic, that this far into my personal recovery journey, i want to be a social creature allow others to be a part of my life, and be a part of theirs. understanding that in order to do so, i have to take a risk or two, which to tell you the truth scares the living sh!t out of me. i have to be vulnerable, genuine and whole and allow them the chance to get to know me., i have to drop my pretenses and barriers, and the hardest of all, allow myself to get to know and care for them. half-assing this will not work, and i have come to believe that the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, is to step back into the world, fully participating as a social member, which trips off all sorts of feelings arising from my character defects.
it is quite easy for me to confuse being myself and losing myself trying to be everyman as i walk through life. the animosity i feel towards one member of sponsorship family, is because of that very behavior. watching him change behavior, based on who is present, is quite informative, and mirrors the behavior i want to practice myself. i want to slide in and out of character, as i once did, because i know that doing so, will keep me safe and quite insane. so as i come to the end of this little exercise this morning, i am presented with a new TENTH STEP question, was i genuine today, or did i cave into my need to hide behind something i am not?
it is a great day to be clean, and i am still happy about my new toy. it is still bright and shiny and way more powerful and faster than i ever imagined, sometimes it is not a bad thing thing to cave intro my desire to get a material object.

∞ DT ∞