Blog entry for:

i enter into relationships or surround myself with others. i can be lonely even in a room full of people. ironically what came up for me, when i sat down and actually relaxed and allowed myself the freedom to think, was a comparison to a sponsee. it seems that his cure for being alone and loneliness is one of the same: get a woman. as i thought back on the women he has gone through in this process, i realized that each time he picks one that is more messed up and less attractive than the one before. as he grows older, he grows lonelier, less self-assured and more desperate for outside validation. this mirrors exactly the path of my active addiction, except it was not just women for me, it was also the people that i hung with. as i got deeper into addiction, and older, my choice of who i hung with had to be those that had even less than i did, especially when it came to romance. as much as i hated to admit it, those needy, co-dependent types that seemed to be attracted to me, like bees to a flower, were the exact women i was looking for, because their need to be with built my ever diminishing self-esteem. at the end, even their attentions were not adequate for me to feel comfortable, and i withdrew further and further into the isolated world of active addiction.
by that time, even a room full of people could not relieve my pain, even in those rare instances that i was the center of attention. as this set of steps deepens my relationships with society in general, as well as with the fellowship that has given me this new way of life, i am finding a renewed interest in hanging with my brothers in arms, so to speak and less interest in going it alone, avoiding the drama and trauma that is inherent in any large intimate group of human beings. slowly but surely i am beginning to see, that wearing my clean time like some sort of shield of invulnerability no longer works and i do not want to have to run away to Seattle Washington, to find new friends, because i have arrogantly shut all of the people in my life out. today, i can look at the people i associate with and be glad that i have them in my life. i can also look to my relationships and see that even the sickest of them, will be fixed soon enough.
today i NEED people in my life and i cherish those relationships that are based more on the needy wants i had developed way back when. it is a good day to be clean and yes the POWER that fuels my recovery prepared me for the rocky start that this morning had. so off to the races and into reality, once again.

∞ DT ∞