Blog entry for:

i can be alone more comfortably when i have a conscious contact with that HIGHER POWER. okay, it is true i am going through one of my replace all references to GOD with HIGHER POWER phases. it is not that i have become anti-GOD or anything like that, i do believe it is a reaction towards the pro-GOD place that i am drifting towards. i have never been one of those ‘GOD’ people, and i know myself well enough that if i feel that drift starting, i rebel, and rebel quite strongly. anyhow, be that as it may, i still chose a seed for this morning's blog that is contrary to what i think i need to believe, in fact it is one of those ‘GOD’ people topics -- allowing a relationship with a HIGHER POWER to empty my heart of loneliness.
so enough of the disclaimers and psychobabble, and on the the meat of what i felt this morning as i quietly listened to the world around me. what i heard was that my end to loneliness is a process that is coming directly from my growing relationship with the POWER that keeps me clean. that as i allow that POWER to fill my heart and nourish my spiritual side, loneliness becomes a condition from which i no longer suffer. or better put, no longer suffer as strongly as before. truthfully, i was isolated in my active addiction, and come to believe that being alone was a preferable state for me, for a variety of reasons. i really did not feel lonely when i was alone, because i had what i needed, the ways and means to numb any feelings to beneath my perception.
early recovery was the first time in years that i felt lonely when i was alone, but still being incapable of trusting anyone, it was a cross i felt i had to bear to protect myself from the dangers of relationships in general.
the nice part for me, is that i grew, as i worked steps as i became capable of trust, i developed a life that allowed me to be comfortable being alone, and to have the sort of relationships that filled my heart to the point that loneliness was crowded out.
so after all this time, here i sit writing about my growing relationship with a HIGHER POWER that instead of crowding out that feeling, is actually removing it from my spirit. as i allow myself to experience the spiritual side of life, as i stop trying to reconcile the spiritual with the rational, i become better equipped to live in the real world. i know that last bit sounds counter-intuitive, or perhaps downright nuts. perhaps it is, but as i walk this path of recovery, more and more i am finding that what i thought was the nature of the world around is wrong -- plain and simply wrong. replacing the rational, evidence-based person inside of me with the wide-eyed mystic is not an easy journey, and what i believe is happening, is that i am finally coming to a place where the two of them become one, and integrated rational evidenced-based wide-eyed mystic, so to speak. what that is going to look like, i am totally clueless about. how that will work without driving me insane, is something i have to have FAITH in my HIGHER POWER about. it is the job of that POWER to take me there, it is my job to allow that to happen and do what i can to facilitate that transformation. that is what i am willing to do today, so on that note it is time to get out and see what is happening around my hood. it is after all, yet another good day to be in active recovery.

∞ DT ∞