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...an emptiness that makes me feel sad and hopeless. i can be lonely even in a room full of people. well this morning i am feeling drawn out and wasted -- sort of hungover after the event i attended last night. i really do enjoy attending these cigar dinners, even though they run way past nap time for me, i am in a smoke-filled room for hours at end, and i have to be around others who get to use socially. the reason i bring this up, is although i had a blast last night, the time before i was considering making it my last. i was lonely in a room full of people! yes even after some time clean. yes even after doing step work, and yes even when i have lost the desire to use. i do not know what the difference spiritually between those two instances are, and do not care, what i see is a contrast in how i felt, and because of the drastic difference in my reaction to the exact same environment, the only thing i can think of that changes was me. last night, if i follow the example laid down in the reading, i was in the company of a HIGHER POWER, rather than left to my own devices. i did not do an extra prayer, nor did i meditate extra long, or anything like that. so exactly how i was connected last night and not six weeks ago is a mystery well worth my time to explore a bit further.
although this forum seems like a good place, i have no desire to sit here and scrutinize my every move over the past six weeks to see where i have changed. perhaps that is for the best, what is of note however, is that i have changed.; when the voice of that part of me i call addiction starts whispering to me that this whole recovery gig is a hoax, this is the evidence i can use to refute that argument. honestly, i could have used last night. i was offered beer, and wine, and could have partook of another substance, had i so desired to, all i had to do is ask. i knew all of this last night, and that fact is not altered this morning, i CAN use anytime i choose to, the hopeful part for me is that i do NOT WANT to use, nor am i obsessed about it, i mention it here and now so i can speak the idea and let it go. i also just had a revelation, part of the reason i used was that i felt that empty loneliness all the time in my active addiction. last night i did not feel it. it is true that i was quiet, and did nothing out of character, and for the first time in that situation, that was a good thing, as when i am in that group i want to be loud obnoxious and out do and outshine the stories and lies i hear there. i did my share of telling tall tales, but my NEED was diminished. After it was all over that particular behavior ended-up the focus my TENTH Step.
so anyhow, it is a warm morning, i ate way too much rich and delicious food and smoked far too many cigars last night -- so it is fast approaching the time for me to head out and do what i need to do to compensate for that bacchanal night. so it is a good day to be alive and yes i am glad that i took this time this morning to explore a feeling and thought, so i can be better prepared for what life may hurdle at me today.

∞ DT ∞