Blog entry for:

... in prayer. it is hard to live up to the **terminally hip and fatally cool** image i portrayed! in prayer, i find an acceptance from my concept of a HIGHER POWER.
it is after all, about how i look and not how i feel n’est-ce pas? of course not, but that is what i have told myself for so long that i actually came to believe that was the case. breaking down that belief system and allowing the program to work has been an ongoing project for a HIGHER POWER and myself, over the course of my actual recovery. once again fore those who may have not been following closely, i no longer consider myself in recovery juts because i did not use today, i am only in recovery on those days that i choose to surrender to the program and live my life to the best of my ability according to the spiritual principles that i can spout off at the drop of a hat. so today, it is about growing honesty. it is quite true that i have been and can be a bald-faced liar, although i was never very good at it. i learned that lesson very early in life when i was caught in a BIG LIE by my peers and humiliated and ridiculed, good thing my parents moved a lot in those days, so i had the chance to reinvent myself at a new school. so what was the lesson i learned? do not get caught in a lie. perhaps a more normal person would have learned not to lie at all, but what i learned was that if you creatively edit the actual truth you never can be caught in a lie. when someone comes back and says i thought you said… i can say that is exactly what i said, you assumed the rest.
ah, life in the creative writing lane. it was exciting, it was fun, and in my case it could have ended up being very dangerous, but it was not. my dishonesty may have come back to bite me more than once in my a$$, but never was i ever in any physical danger because of being dishonest, as much as i would love to lead you to believe.
as you can see, becoming honest has been a worthy task for me, and one that has only been accomplished through the partnership i have established with a HIGHER POWER. although the first few times i read this particular passage, i was unable to see the point of being honest in prayer, this is one of those suggestions i decided to fake until it made sense to me, so i did. perhaps, as a result i am more honest today. well i am certainly more honest today and it is more than probable that action helped the process along. so how am i feeling today, honestly? well not bad, a bit stressed because of all the projects on my desk, a bit worried about a sponsee who i have not heard from in a month and more than a bit grateful that i can actively recover this cool, grey, soggy morning. after all it is all about how i FEEL and not how i LOOK!

∞ DT ∞