Blog entry for:

live up to the **terminally hip and fatally cool** image that i sometimes believe i need to portray. before i get rolling, i just had to laugh, a peer of mine on FaceBook decided to whine about people not telling them they overuse certain tired and very trite expressions in their virtual communications. i bring that up, because from time to time, okay let me honest here, most of the time, i get pissed off at people not telling me what a friggin' a$$hole i am being. yes, somehow it is their job, to tell me that what i am doing is far from acceptable. when i am in that sort of mode, which happens more often than i like to admit, it is quite easy to blame them for my behavior, after all, wait for it, it is YOUR fault for not telling me i was such a…
yes i want to appear to be better off than i am. healthier, wealthier and certainly wiser. yes it is tough to live up to that image of myself, so i can divert the attention off of me, by blaming my so-called “haters,” publicly and loudly, and walk away with a clear conscience. see what you made me do! which brings me the the kernel of the reading i heard this morning, honesty starting with being honest in my prayers.
not being a prayerful or “GOD” sort of guy, i have been tossing and turning over the whole issue of prayer, much less if i am or am not being honest in my prayers.what i heard as i sat down this morning, was that there is quiet truth within. that truth is that i do not have all the answers and that asking for guidance, is not some sort of dig or admission that i am on the wrong path. in fact, i felt more certain than ever, that i am going in the correct direction for me, but there needs to be a few minor adjustments before i arrive at STEP TWELVE. what i also heard, is that what i want to present to the world and what i actually present to the world are two separate images, that may or may not be mutually exclusive. the image that i NEED to present is that of who i really am, not the one i want everyone to see. parts of that very public persona are honest and true to me, others, well not so much. moving into a state where i can be comfortable just being me, starting with whether or not i need to pray, is just the continuation of the process i started a few days ago, when i finally became a member and felt a genuine desire to stay clean, no matter what.
which brings me back to the honesty portion of the reading. how disingenuous was it for me to hang out and pretend to be a member for those first eighteen months of recovery, when all i had was the desire to get out of the justice system? if i had been more honest, back in those days, would i be further along in my recovery process? the truth is, all of that happened, and my desire to look better than i actually was, was enough to get me to the point of finally surrendering to the cold, cruel and honest fact, that i was an addict and that i was powerless over addiction.
anyhow, as interesting as this, it is time to hit the road and get rolling down to work. i am grateful that i can allow a process to work in my life, even when it feels like nothing at all is changing.

∞ DT ∞