Blog entry for:

honesty has been a long time coming for me. when i was using i had to maintain a semblance of normality by lying to my family. i had to lie to myself to rationalize and justify the actions i took to get and use more. and i lied to my friends and peers so i could get their respect and admiration.
while i was struggling to get clean, i lied to my probation officer, my friends and family and those in the rooms, pretending i was something i was not CLEAN!
in early recovery i was almost as bad. i would embellish my war stories so that i could fit in. i was afraid that i was not ‘bad’ enough to be a member, even though i was not quite sure i wanted to be a member yet.
all through my life, the person i told the most lies to was myself. i never thought i was good enough, smart enough, worthy of respect or blessed with any redeeming qualities at all. it is only through the process of the steps that i have started to become honest. in the reading this morning , a pecking order of honesty is set-up: GOD, myself then others. as i become honest with GOD and myself, i find myself being more honest with those around me. am i totally honest all the time? i would love to say yes, but the honest truth is, not yet -- but i am getting better!
∞ DT ∞