Blog entry for:

my **terminally hip and fatally cool** image, is tough work and some of the time feels like a **full-time** job. part of that work is maintaining the illusion that hanging with my peers, while they interact with their phones is my idea of a good time. the insanity here, is i keep going, just in case one day they wake up and smell the coffee and put their virtual worlds away for a couple of hours. i have been ready to quit that regularly scheduled “social” activity for months now, perhaps it is time to just walk away and develop a new activity that is more to my liking, as i am not willing to manipulate others to fit my agenda today, nor do i require a “pity” invitation, to feel good about myself. the sad truth about “pity” invites is that everyone KNOWS that the one that got one, whined until they got one.
yes, i am okay today with NOT being a part of every single activity that any one of my peers dreams up. i have enough self-respect to walk through life, looking to create situations that are enjoyable for all. i CHOOSE to be a part of this world and when i get asked to do something different, these days, i am far less hesitant that i have ever been. that has not always been the case, as i remember, way back when, i invited myself along on my very first whitewater rafting experience. that ended-up being some of the best times of my life and i know that i was barely tolerable enough to keep getting invited to be a part of that thuggish rafting group. i wore the label of “thug” with pride as that was the first group of folks that actually kept allowing me to come along. it is too bad that when i came to recovery and was amidst my legal problems, i CHOSE to walk away from that crowd, as those were certainly many of my favorite memories.
as i grow in recovery, i am beginning to understand that “image” is not what i think it is, and certainly mine is not. i feel like a forty something, even though i am over 60. i can either settle comfortably into being a curmudgeon or i can carry myself with a bit of grace and be okay with my physical age and my social awkwardness. i am who and what i am, and at this stage in the game, many things that i am, are not going to change. my job is to accept the things i have power over and apply what power i have. that means, being physically active, instead of just saying i am. that means leaving unacceptable situations in the dust, even when they have existed for years. that means i behave in a manner that reflects how i feel and on those days when i feel like an old man, i act like one. moving forward into this day, i will carry the reminder to be who i am and not manipulate, whine or cajole my way into places and events that i am barely welcomed to be a part of.

∞ DT ∞