Some memes

to tell me that i am worthy, lovable, desirable, or cool, is no longer part of my conscious bag of Jedi mind games. i may sometimes, however, feel that maybe, just maybe, today i need a bit of something from someone else to feel better about myself. i am far from cured and one of the “lingering symptoms” of my addiction is this need to boost my self-worth, by getting others to stroke me. these days, at least most of the time, that itch passes without me having to scratch at it and for that i am grateful. the times that i do what i ought not to, well i pay the price long before my daily inventory, i almost instantly feel cheap and abusive, after the initial “feel good” has worn off. it is not as if i do not praise and acclimation from those in my life, i do. what i do not want is to have to manipulate and force them to do so.
in those times when i feel that need, what is usually is going on with me, is that for one reason or another i cannot accept myself as i am in that slice of time. after decades of being who i never was, life as being myself has yet to become second nature to me. i still stumble and fall back into the shadow of the lie that i was not worthy of human company as myself. < BOOM > the cycle starts and i need help from the outside to feel okay about who i am. the good news is that i can recognize that cycle before it becomes an unbreakable feedback loop again and find my way out of the maelstrom of low self-worth, low self-esteem and self-deprecation. i know the direction i want to go and it certainly is not that drain.
this morning, as i sat and listened., what i heard is that i have choices today. i can allow myself to be the same old man i have been forever, or i can choose to live a life in the light of knowing that if others do or do not accept me as i am, that is on them and no longer part of what i need to do, just for today.

∞ DT ∞