Blog entry for:

to live up to the **terminally hip and fatally cool** image that i like to portray, even with a minute or two clean. there is an old saying around the rooms: how does one know when an addict is lying? and the survey says: their lips are moving! i spent the first seven months of my recovery journey, in a total bald-faced lie, and the whole time i was living that lie, i had absolutely no regrets, in fact i got a thrill each and every time i claimed clean-time that i did not have and it was accepted as fact by my peers, my family and the justice system. i liked living that lie, because it nourished my illusion that i was smarter than all of them and quite capable of living the sort of life i wanted to, and getting away with it. to be clear, my recovery journey stated in February 1997 and my clean date is September 1997, since that fateful day in September when my terminally cool illusion was dashed against the rocks, i have not used.
i bring this story up, because i lacked the honesty necessary to be in recovery, back in those days. what i looked like was more important than being clean and how others related to me was more important that how i related to myself. it was easy back them, as i had no history with my peers, never having been in the rooms before. i had decades of practicing to be something i was not.my eventual acquiescence to the spiritual nature of this program, was nearly derailed by my adherence to looking good and feeling sh!tty.
time passes, levels of honesty change and these days, i see myself in a whole different light. what has yet to go away, is the thrill i get, when i think i can get away with something. the problem is, how do i balance the desire to feel that thrill with my now quite active conscience, the judge, jury and executioner that reside between my ears? the truth is, there is no way to balance those two parts of me, because IF i act out, i will pay the price, at least internally. there may be no social or cultural punishment, but there will certainly be a personal one. what i have learned, living a lie is no longer as easy as it once was and sooner, rather than later, that lie will take its toll on me.
the notion of practicing honesty in prayer until it integrates into my life is an interesting one. sure back in the day, it certainly was a valuable tool for me. as i stayed clean, however and my spiritual path veered off to the East, leaving behind the notion of prayer, it becomes sort of a moot point. part of what i am struggling to come to terms with these days is how do i ask for the power to stay clean, if prayer is just a remnant of a previous spiritual path? once i can start to see my way through that question, i feel i am on my way in this first step. i acknowledge that i am powerless over addiction and need an outside power of some sort to give me what i need to stay clean today. how do i humbly ask for that power from the POWER that fuels my recovery, when IT has no mouth, no eyes and no ears? not quite sure and waxing philosophically about it this morning, will not bring the answers i seek. the next right thing to do, is get ready to head on down to work and allow this question to roll on its own accord, internally and see what i “hear” as time passes. it is after all a great day to allow something greater than me to rule the roost and i am not speaking of the current resident of the Casa Blaca.

∞ DT ∞