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but when i begin with the POWER that fuels my recovery, i find it easier to extend my honesty to others.
honestly. hmm, how many times have i started off a sentence with that particular word, just to mask the duplicity of everything that is about to follow it. more times than i care to count, even sometimes where i am just writing for myself, i start a lie off with that word. for me, even though i overuse that word, its cachet of inferring that the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, is about to come down the poke, has long been lost. so when the topic turns to thew spiritual principle of honesty, well i have to think to myself and explore how much honesty do i really practice in my life today? is it dishonest to attend a meeting when i really do not want to be there? is it dishonest to work with someone who i allow to make me blind with rage every time he opens his mouth? is it dishonest to be jealous of someone who makes boatloads of money and only works part-time, and not say anything? i could go on, but the answer to each and everyone of those questions is no. meetings keep me clean and when i go to one, against my desire, i am actually taking a step in a healthy direction. the other two examples? well feelings are just feelings, transient and neutral. if i do not LIKE those feelings it is up to me, to HONESTLY do the work and find out why i am reacting the way i am. in the latter case, well i want all the money and do not want to do any of the work. i want my days free again, even though i worked so hard to find a position with benefits and stability. that dichotomy, leads to a dissonance in my life, that i fill with a feeling that is not very appropriate, jealousy. as i grow in my recovery, i see how engrained keeping up with the Joneses is, in me and seeing that i can now surrender that to the POWER that fuels my recovery, the anger and rage? well, that has various sources, the biggest is my feeling of being disrespected by him, time and again, and although i say i have forgiven him, the truth is that i am carrying a ledger of his slights, real or imagined, against me, to use when the time is ripe. a behavior i developed long before i ever picked up, carrying the past to use as a weapon against someone. however, i am no longer that person, so what once protected me, is now destroying me. unless i find the means to surrender this to the POWER that fuels my recovery, i will makes more than one poor decision in this matter. so as i prepare to wrap this up, and head to work, at a job i like going to most days, i will allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to show me where i need to go today and most importantly how to get there. the feelings? well they will pass. the next right thing? well that has yet to be revealed to me, BUT i will open my mind to allowing that answer to be shown to me, in whatever manner it happens to come. i can surrender and live victoriously, one day at a time.

∞ DT ∞