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it is hard to live up to the **terminally hip and fatally cool** image i attempt to portray.
alright i know that the reading topic is not necessarily about appearances and maintaining them. nor is it about telling the whole truth, rather it is about LEARNING to be honest with those around me. that process, as suggested can be carried out by doing it prayer and implementing it my life from there. okay,. i have restated what the reading is about, so you know i got it, however(and yes this is a BIG BUT), what i heard this morning in my period of quiet contemplation was more than a bit off that mark.
what struck me was the very lines i lifted from the reading, namely that i wish to deceive through appearing to be something i am not. it is true that the longer i stay clean, the less concerned i have become about how i look to others, nevertheless, it still is there, and one of the tools the part of me i call my addict uses against me, is this whole trying to look better than i am gig. it just amazes me the amount of effort i put into looking to be someone i am not. honestly, that is one of the behaviors that i am truly so tired of, that if i was the type, i would ask for it to be removed right here and right now, to be forever banished to the bit bucket of oblivion. alas, i am not that type, so using the tools i possess and am comfortable with using, i will just allow humbly ask to have that shortcoming removed WITH A PARTICULAR STRONG EMPHASIS!
so when i get through the garbage, it does seem that i have not wandered so far off topic, being in prayer, being honest with what i am feeling, leads to being honest in this faceless soap box that i have created for myself. all of that i guess leads to me being honest with those who love me and who i love, which leads back to being honest with those in the fellowship and finally out to those in **normal life.**
it is amazing how i can twist things around to get them to fit some mornings. honestly this has always been about fitting in. when i was young i never believed i could fit in without adapting my image to fit what i thought others wanted to see. that behavior became finely honed and polished in active addiction and probably allowed me to survive in the hostile world i created during that period in my life. so it really is no surprise that something i felt so necessary and attached to, is something that i long to hold on to, on whatever level.
so where do i go from here? well off to tour the neighborhood, then a quick piece of work for a new client and then who knows maybe <GASP> some step work. who knows, i certainly do not, but what i do know is that the only way for me to move froward is to humbly ask and ALLOW the POWER that keeps me clean to do its job. so off to face my day and the world in general. TTFN

∞ DT ∞