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well, i am at a loss for words. not really, i have lots of words swirling around in my head, the problem is organizing them into a coherent stream of conscious flow. as i sit here whining about it, the framework is starting to appear, so i guess it is time to let go, and see where i end up.
honestly honesty is something i seem to love to talk about on several different levels, and yet, most of the time i find it difficult to practice on all those levels that i can so blithely write about. it is quite true, that i was never a good liar and yet at the same time quite an accomplished liar. i had trouble telling blatant mis-truths, so i learned to lie, by telling a version of the truth that allowed the listener to form the conclusion i wished them to form. in that manner i could lie to myself, that i was being honest. in fact i was being very honest as nothing i was saying was a lie, in and of itself. when someone gave me the wrong change, or something i liked was laying unattended, i grabbed it and moved swiftly away from the vicinity.i lied to myself that was not theft, it merely was capitalizing on the mistake of another person, who should have known better. in groups of other addicts, i quickly assumed the characteristics and the mannerisms of those around me, so i could get what i wanted and the lie here was, i am just like these people so i might as well make myself act like these others, so they will like me and give me what i need.
i could go on for hours about all the ways i was dishonest when i came to recovery, in fact i lacked any desire to get clean when i got here, much less an honest desire, so the miracle of the program is that after 5000 days i am still here, because quite honestly, i now believe that my food dependent counselor in treatment was correct when she told me that i had very little chance of actually getting this gig, that the very best i could HOPE for was longer and longer periods of recovery, punctuated by shorter and shorter periods of relapse. as much as i dismissed her so-called insights way back when, i am starting to see, that she saw the truth of who i was, way back when, and warned me in no uncertain terms as to my fate IF ONLY…
so with that history and preface, what do you think i might be writing form this point forward. well i could tell big fat lie, and say that i am now honest all the time, on all levels without exception. which of course is an idiotic lie, that no one would ever believe. honesty is something i strive for, and although it is quite easy to tell you what i honestly see in you, the way you do stuff and how you are living, it is difficult at times to apply that same sort of scrutiny towards myself. at other times, that laser beam turns inward and painfully vivisects my self-image to shards of spiritual flesh, by demonstrating how far i live outside of any sort of spiritual principles. the actual truth for me and more than like for the targets of my honesty, lies somewhere in between and these days i try to see those shades of grey, knowing full well that in most cases the extremes are a distortion of the truth. i can rationalize away my slips from honesty in two ways, the first is that being totally honest is not a part of the human condition, as a human being there always needs to be something held in reserve. the only members of the human race who are perfectly honest with others as well as with themselves are the saints, martyrs and holy people around the world, the rest of us, well we do our best. the second part of the rationalization? well the old reliable: “after all i am only an addict!” lament. both fit and both can be used to justify all sorts of outrageous behaviors not the least of which is being dishonest with myself, the people with whom i interact with or the world in general. the HOPE? well, as i stay c;lean and as i learn to live in recovery., i move closer to the ideal state of total and complete honesty, behaving that way automatically instead of catching myself in the act or having to own up how i was wrong just after. just like everything else, honesty is something that does become easier for me, as i walk through it in my daily life, and although i i did not come to recove5try seeking to be an honest person, the end result is that after some time practicing honesty i am becoming an honest person. better thinking through behaving differently strikes again!
on that note, chord or whatever, i think i can honestly say <GROAN> the time has come to go run around the neighborhood, and see what i can do today to eb a better me.

∞ DT ∞