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self-acceptance over validation sounds like a great idea whose time has come. for me, however, it took a few trips through the steps, a long stretch of just for todays in a row and some encouragement from my peers and trusted friends, before i could ever consider this as a valid course of action for me. when one grows up. living a lie, it takes more than a minute to get out from under that shadow. all those years of practicing to be what i was not took their toll and left me without any identity of my own. the “good son,” the “service junkie,” the passionate “defender of the faith,” and the “devoted partner” were roles i played, because i required validation from all those around me. regardless of how naked as i felt after my last 5TH step, i was finally on a path that leads me to where i am today, more secure in who i am and what i am about that i ever was in the past.
the irony of that part of my recovery journey is that once i started to see myself as having value, i could take steps to stop doing the stuff i used to keep myself in the misery of self-deprecation and the cycle of self abuse. i was freed from those chains that bound me and started seeing my life in a different light. unfortunately, many of those in my life, who had come to rely on my need for their validation, lost out. their look of dismay when i show my lack of caring whether they approve of what i am was understandably delicious, after all, it was they who taught me to seek from the outside what i needed to be okay. the thrill i got as i saw the disappointment in their eyes that what always worked, no longer held sway over me was short-lived as i became aware that i was not their victim, but rather their volunteer and that it was time to let go of my past and move on.
this morning, as i contemplated my naval and listened for what this might mean in the here and now, what i felt was a deep and abiding sense of calm. the fact that i no longer needed to exert power over others through manipulation, instigation and chaos creation, to prove my worth is a place i never believed i would arrive at, or at least not in this life time. that does not mean i have been totally liberated from that desire, i am after all, as the cop-out goes, a work in process, BUT, just for today, i can be better than that and allow myself to be a part of the world, rather than attempting to be a “puppet-master.” so while the sun shine and the rain does not fall, it is time to get my ass out into the streets to burn off some miles and calories. it is a good day to find the ways and means to accept myself as i am and allow the opinions of others to be just that, THEIRS!

∞ DT ∞