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i have a new purpose in life today, and my changing motives reflect that. before launching into what could be a soapbox or tirade, i need to pause and ponder the events of the past twenty-four hours. i was part of a twelfth step call late yesterday morning and into the early afternoon, that left me feeling hopeless and shaken. yes, the two of us that went to the call came back clean, and yet seeing someone i care about so high that he could not talk, much less keep himself from twitching at odd and random intervals drove home a point in a very graphic manner. that was me, and wurst of all, that could be me again. needless to say, my concentration was shot and i accomplished absolutely nothing for my clients, but i did get through a few more levels of my computer game. then, last night, one of my sponsees, called me and told me he had relapsed since he spoke to me last week. he, unlike my 12th step call, actually seemed shaken and was not high when we spoke and asked to sit down and talk with me this morning. the act is the exact same, the reactions are what are different. unlike him, i do not have the FAITH that i would call my sponsor, own up to a relapse and start over again. what either of these events have to do with my changing motives is beyond me, at this point. so i will just go down this stream of consciousness and watch out for the rapids!
why i was so shaken by the 12th step call, i have a few clues about. for one, the part of me i call my disease certainly was jealous of seeing another addict high, and felt a bit smug that he was not enjoying the ride, after all, that part of me says, i always enjoyed the ride, right to the end. the part of where my desire to recover resides, was disappointed and sad, seeing one of my brothers who had almost a year clean go out and test the waters again. i am sure this conflict inside, carried me out of the ability to concentrate or even be present for my own feelings, but my motives for going on the call were i wanted to get my brother into someplace he could be locked down in for at least a few hours to give that part of him that wants to recover a chance to reawaken.
so at 9:30 last night when i got the call from my sponsee, i was already still in a state of confusion, but i did agree to meet him today, and i will allow myself to be an instrument of the spiritual, and perhaps get him to agree to take a few simple suggestions. it will however, be as it will be. so in order to meet that particular commitment it is time for me to sign-off and get out into the real world. yes my motives are changing today, and yes i am growing today, but like those two addicts i wrote about, i could be in either of their shoes tomorrow, if i turn my back on what has worked so well, up until today.

∞ DT ∞