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i want to do things for the right reason, not just for my personal benefit. when i look at that last statement i am struck by something that was once said and often repeated back in the days i was using; “isn't that special.”
i mean seriously, do everything i do for the right reasons, and leave any thought of my personal benefit out of the equation, who the fVck do i think i am fooling? so what i have here is an ideal, and not an actual attainable goal, unless somehow, i start to channel Mother Theresa or some other saint. to be even more honest, to even compare myself and my behavior to this high ideal, is certain to result in frustration and disappointment, as i will find myself lacking, most of the time. so does that mean i just fVck it and walk away, do whatever i please for whatever motives i have and not even pretend to any sort of spiritual? well i certainly could go that direction, and none of my friends in the other 85% would blame me. or i could pretend that everything i did, was for purely altruistic motives, and i might be able to sell that line to those same friends, and maybe a few of my peers in recovery, but it would definitely be a snow job. part of the human experience, is that addicts and non-addicts alike, do most of the stuff we do, out of self-interest. that is a fact of life and one that many choose to ignore. what make me as an addict different, is that i took that to a whole new level, where every little thing i did for anyone else had to have a payoff, otherwise it was not worth doing. self-interest took over everything and nothing i did ever came without a string attached.
as much as i would certainly love to say that all of those strings have been removed, the fact is, that very seldom do i do anything out of “purely” selfless motives with no expectation of a reward. hence the first statement about not comparing myself to the ideal that i started down this path with. do not get me wrong, i do a bunch of stuff, on a daily basis, that i expect no reward for, in fact i like doing “anonymous good deeds,” but there is a reward attached to that as well: i FEEL better about myself when i do so. yes, doing the next right thing, for no reason at all, builds my self-worth and self-esteem, especially when no one else knows about it. can i say my motives are “purely” altruistic in those instances? that is of course the rub.
the reading was not necessarily about altruistic motives, and how i got rolling down that path, is not a mystery but it was a slight detour. when i examine my motives for all that i do in a day, i use the ideal i espoused in the opening lines and remember what i was like when i walked in the door, and see where i fall in the shades of grey that lie between those two extremes. what i am looking for, is progress towards the ideal, no matter how infinitesimal, and change from the default motives that i walked into the doors with, all those days ago. the question is am i making progress? and most days, the answer is “yes i am!”
the miracle, for lack of a more apt term, is that someone like me, who is driven by pure self-interest can learn how to act outside of that motive and do something without expecting any acknowledgement at all, even for one second of my waking life. it is extended by my growth in becoming something more than i was yesterday, including a better human being, in every sense of the word. honestly, however, i still want to look good, and in my current peer group, the one whose opinions i respect more than others, that means i want to crow about all the good stuff i do, every single day and minimize the stuff i would rather no one ever saw, and trust me, there is enough of both to keep my busy on my TENTH STEP every night. the truth is that my behavior is somewhere between selfless and selfish; altruistic and self-seeking; and devilish and saintly, and there is nothing wrong with that.
what i am bringing away from this, is that even though there is room for improvement, and for me there certainly is, it does not mean that i stop trying to live beyond my own selfish motives. it means that as i grow, i will continue to experience the change in my motives, that i have experienced to date, that my personal recovery journey will result in me becoming a better man, friend and citizen of the world, just because once upon a time i admitted that yes i am powerless over addiction and sought a way to relieve myself of that burden.

∞ DT ∞