Blog entry for:

i am developing a wholesomeness of spirit and a peace of mind that is moving my recovery into a new realm.
as i expected as i was fired as a sponsor last night, what amazed me, however, was that he did not take the chickensh!t way out, that i offered, so just maybe there is hope for him yet. the irony as i see it this morning, was that i sent a letter that told the truth of what i was feeling, and once again it was seen as a blindside. that tells me one of two things, i am very good at hiding my true feelings and thoughts about my relationships. or the other party is so self-absorbed that they are clueless about the true state of affairs. i am certain the truth lies somewhere in between, and it will be interesting as i go through the step process to uncover what is really going on here.
the reading spoke to me about doing the right thing for the wrong reason, and that goes to the irony i alluded to above. sending the letter, with a deadline and my true feelings was the right thing to do. what i need to examine was whether or not i really did it for the right reasons. this could of course launch into a tirade about how so and so is such and such, and even going down that path. i know that is a deflection away from the matter at hand. i wrote the letter because i felt i was being used, and my time was wasted. whether or not the other person GOT that or not, is quite irrelevant to what is going on in my head, at least this morning. i know that i came to recovery as a master of disguise, most certainly in the realm of my feelings and thoughts. for someone who cannot play poker, due to my inability to keep a poker face and not do the thousand of little tells, my ability to disguise who i am is quite surprising. when i step out from behind my mask, it really seems to be a jarring experience for the other party, which means that my journey to becoming whole and genuine is far from complete. i knew that, and i also know that facilitating that process, is what i need to do today. much as i am feel i am not ready for it, i will need to respond to the letter i got yesterday. there will be no backing down, as he invited me to help him to repair this relationship, although he more than likely will find what i am going to say less than savory. be that as it may, it is up to me, to walk the spiritual path here, as i am the one in recovery, and i have to decide whether or not it is worth my effort to build this relationship. as it is a very warm morning, and as it is quickly getting warmer, my workout with my dawg will provide me the opportunity to let go of my raw feelings, process all that is going on inside and respond appropriately. perhaps, he is incapable of being my friend, i know that right here and right now he is incapable of being sponsored by me. the real question is, and this goes to the readings, what are my motives for considering whether or not i want to be a part of this relationship. i know i do not have enough friends. i also know that i have very high expectation of my friends, once that relationship has been established. with all those caveats in mind, i do need to consider whether or not my need to respond is to hurt or help. this master of disguise, is especially good at hiding his true motives from himself. i want to do something, it looks like the spiritual path, but is it really? that will be something good to allow to percolate through my conscious and unconscious self as this day goes on. as that process happens, i can defer taking action, after all, the fact that i express any concern at all for the consequences of my action is a good sign. it demonstrates that maybe, just maybe i am on the path to becoming the man i have always wanted to be. so off into the morning sun and into this day.

∞ DT ∞