Blog entry for:

have the DESIRE to grow spiritually, after spending far too much of my life living in a tiny world based in selfish, self-interest. this morning, after four days away in the mountains, i GET to get up and prepare to go to work. vacation is certainly a nice break and being away to help two of my friends and peers in recovery, publicly join their live together. i am glad i was able to be there and participate in the all of the festivities. as i look over the weekend, it was more than just this celebration that made it special. i GOT to spend time with my significant other away from the hustle and bustle of our daily lives. i GOT to connect with my niece and get a glimpse into her life. i saw parts of the state i live in, that i have never seen before. the litany of what i “GOT” to do, could go on and on, but when it comes down to it, i GOT to get out of myself and do things for others, while having time to enjoy the world around me as well. does that make the trip somehow selfish or self-centered or does it mean like everything else in my life, there can be a balance between what i judge as “positive” or “negative?”
sitting here in the comfort of my own home, getting ready to return to work, i feel that i often miss the whole picture about what is happening inside of me, when i attempt to tear it apart into its separate pieces so i can judge each and every motive, behind each and every activity i participate in. the problem, as i see it, is that when i look at the whole of one activity or another it looks perfectly neutral or tends towards the “positive” side these days. i find that unsatisfactory, as i have always been and continues to be, the type that always looks for the “fly in the ointment, ” and keeps digging until it is revealed. this weekend, that fly was the judgement i cast on the behavior of my peers. i am clueless about what their plans and motives were and yet i was quick to condemn their actions. the only “good” part is that i chose and continue to choose, not to share what my final “verdict” happened to be. my motives for withholding my judgement, are certainly a mash-up of good and bad, but center on the notion of: “who the FVCK, as i?”
the time has come to get my butt moving down to the office, to take care of some stuff, prepare for “hell” week and allow myself the freedom to be okay with being “grounded” for the next seven days. when one considers the “whole” picture, it really does work to my benefit that i am on-call this week of weeks and NEED to be present for what is happening in the office and with my client. i get to be the subject matter expert and if i ask with respect and consideration, i may even get to do some of the activities i want to do, as the week progresses.

∞ DT ∞