Blog entry for:

is certainly a great way to start my day. for me, as i continue my journey through recovery, i find it easier and easier to see what the right reason may be. the catch here, is even if i see why i should be doing something, it does not mean that i CHOOSE to do so, for the right or wrong reasons. as i move beyond caring what others may or may not thin about me, i find the freedom to behave in a manner, that aligns with you i am, today. ah, but there is a huge caveat here, some of the stuff i do, i do under duress and each and every time it is akin to pulling spiritual teeth without anesthesia. it gets even harder that when i make a point, specifically to tell someone that i will be unable to do something may have come to expect, it does not seem all that crazed to expect them to remember what i said and not quiz me on the next day, about the exact event i warned them about previously. i feel that some people prefer to be a martyr to their physical condition and prefer to pretend they have no power over it. when my friend yesterday said i was a “good son,” it made me cringe. i do what i do not out of love or kindness, but because i made a deathbed promise and i will be damned if i renege on that promise. my motives here are far from selfless, loving and kind, but i certainly do “look” good. 🥳
i am reminded of something i said to one of the men i sponsor just yesterday, specifically that there are no merit badges for martyrdom. i was of course speaking to his possible need to deal with pain after surgery, but it certainly applies to my current situation. i can choose to suffer in relative silence, or i can accept that i am not a victim, but rather i did volunteer for this duty. whether or not they “get” what an imposition it is, is far from relevant. gratitude and understanding is not what i seek, but a bit of acknowledgement for what i and others do for them, may be more than a bit nice. i cannot change anyone else, and as long as they believe they know better than me, they will stay stuck where they are. i choose, however, to do my best to never get stuck again. after nearly sixty years of living a lie, i refuse to dwell in that house of pain, ever again. i know what it is like to be a victim of my self-imposed martyrdom. i know what it feels like to live in a world where my needs and desires supersedes those of everyone else's. i know what a life filtered through my self-will looks like and i am grateful i no longer have to live in that manner, today.
as my trip to Iceland and Ireland approaches. i am getting more than a bit excited about stepping out of my life for two full weeks. most of my life i am more than content to walk through on a daily basis. the stuff i “have” to do, i accept grudgingly and will not miss one whit as i traipse across the Emerald Isle. just for today, i CHOOSE to stay clean and seek the opportunities to get what i need from the POWER that fuels my recovery. i am certain that in all the stuff i find odious and onerous, there is a lesson for me to learn. perhaps it is as simple as N.ever A.gain V.olunteer Y.ourself. 🤪 😜

∞ DT ∞